


The Potions Master

by AltheaG



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, F/F, F/M, LGBT, Revenge, snape - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-17
Updated: 2012-04-30
Packaged: 2017-11-03 20:17:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 17
Words: 39,832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/385503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AltheaG/pseuds/AltheaG
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A woman with a dark past. Allegra Brigantes, a Hogwarts drop-out, now seeks a post at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. But when she encounters the mysterious, inscrutable new Potions professor, Severus Snape, Allegra's life will never be the same...and neither will his.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Interview

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this a long while ago, fascinated by the idea that Severus had a torrid affair with a woman his first year as a Hogwarts professor. Look for Allegra in "The Sage," too.

It had been a long time—far too long—since she had been back to Hogwarts. As Allegra Brigantes walked from Hogsmeade towards the great castle, bathed in summer sunshine, she figured that she had been away from the school for nine years. And now, she returned to interview for a teaching post. She could hardly believe she was taking such a drastic sense, but on the other hand, it felt right somehow.

Allegra had read the advert for the post in _The Daily Prophet_ : **Teaching position available, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Potions or Defence Against the Dark Arts. Send owl reply with resume to the Headmaster’s Office.** It sounded like a wonderful opportunity, much more interesting than her current situation.

Since she completed school and took her exams, Allegra worked at the Ministry of Magic in the Magical Law Enforcement Department, spending her working hours mostly catching petty criminals and teenaged violators of the ban on underage magic. Occasionally she helped confiscate jinxed muggle objects or faced down out of control wizards in danger of violating the secrecy code. It was good, solid, regular work, occasionally exciting, but mostly mundane. Allegra needed a change.

The sun’s rays warmed her arms and face as she neared the gates. Allegra felt energised, ready to go. It was so strange to stand there again—so many memories came flooding back, both good and bad, of her brief time at Hogwarts. She remembered all the friendships, the fascinating classes, all those fun trips she and her girlfriends would take to Hogsmeade in their third year. They had been so close back then, so utterly indestructible, capable of the impossible and the intrepid. But that was a long time ago.

Allegra left Hogwarts after her third years of study to start up at a muggle prep school.

Naturally, she knew this was an unusual step. Who would want leave a place like Hogwarts? Why be content with muggle studies when she could learn all the intricacies of the magical world? It didn’t seem to make much sense to anyone except Allegra, and as for anyone else, all she ever told her parents was that she was interested in many forms of learning. She felt limited at Hogwarts, where there were no classes on Shakespeare or British history or Physics. There was so much about the world she wanted to know, and Hogwarts only gave her one tiny slice of what she craved.

All these thoughts raced through her mind as she walked up the stone path to the Entrance Hall. Hagrid had been kind enough to let her in—in fact, Professor Dumbledore had sent him to the gates in anticipation of her arrival, which Allegra interpreted as a positive sign.

“Do you remember me, Hagrid?” Allegra asked.

“Wasn’t you th’ girl teh leave early?”

“That’s me. I suppose I caused a bit of talk back then.”

“Well, peoples is always lookin’ fer a reason ta gossip.”

In the Entrance Hall, Allegra met up with Professor Minerva McGonagall, still as formidable as Allegra remembered her to be. Back in her school days, Professor McGonagall was one of the few reasons that kept her at Hogwarts for as long as she stayed. And now, here she was, welcoming her back warmly and openly. Allegra shook hands with the elder witch, and together, they went to McGonagall’s office to talk.

“Professor Dumbledore will be meeting you a bit later this morning, but he has to attend to a certain matter first. He promises to greet you within the hour.”

“That’s fine,” Allegra replied, sitting in a squashy chair opposite the cluttered writing desk in the office. Allegra smiled as she looked about the Spartan office—it was absolutely immaculate, with not a single object out of place, nor a piece of dust daring to dull anything in the office. And yet, the reds and yellows suggested a certain warmth that made her feel quite comfortable as she sat drinking fresh tea with Professor McGonagall.

McGonagall asked her all sorts of questions about her job at the Ministry and about her qualifying experiences—to that end, Allegra was detailed and candid in her responses, wanting to show herself to be professional and ready to tackle the rigours of teaching.

“I think my experience with the criminal element of the wizarding world has given me the experience needed to do this job,” she said confidently.

But McGonagall raised an eyebrow. “Because the students are criminals?” she quipped.

“Oh no!” Allegra gasped, missing the joke. “No, that’s not what I meant! I just meant that I’ve been exposed to a bit of dark magic in my time at the Ministry and I’ve personally had to fight against it.”

“I know, my dear,” McGonagall said sympathetically. “I was only jesting.”

Allegra blushed. “Oh yes, of course.”

“Have some more tea,” McGonagall said, refilling Allegra’s cup with her wand. “And a biscuit?” She conjured a plate of gingersnaps. A grateful Allegra took three.

Soon, Professor Dumbledore joined them in the office, which came as somewhat of a relief to Allegra. She had already exhausted her best material for conversation and needed some sort of diversion—Dumbledore’s timing was perfect. His questions, however, were on a more personal note than McGonagall’s were. While McGonagall had restricted herself to questions related to professionalism and experience, Dumbledore wanted something different.

“You left Hogwarts after only three years of study, correct?” he asked, a note of curiosity in his gentle voice.

“I wanted to pursue many forms of study,” she replied.

“I see from your resume that you did quite well on your NEWTs, especially in Charms, Transfiguration and History of Magic.”

“Yes, I received O’s in all those subjects, plus E’s in Potions, Defence and Runes. I was pretty pleased with my results.”

“Who trained you?” he asked.

“My mother and grandmothers, and one of my aunts, on my father’s side. She lived with us for a short time after her divorce, and she used to give me wonderful lessons on Transfiguration.”

Dumbledore smiled. “That is very impressive, that you were able to handle studying magic plus your muggle lessons.”

“Well it wasn’t always easy, but I managed.”

“Why did you not go on to muggle university?” Dumbledore asked.

Allegra didn’t respond right away. “I guess it was time for me to step back into the wizarding world,” she confessed. “I thought about the LSE, but after some hard thinking, I finally concluded that it was time to get back into magic full time. It’s hard to explain.”

“Of course, my dear. Forgive me for putting you on the spot like that. But I often wondered about you, you know, how you were doing, where you were, what became of you. I’m glad to know you came back to our world. Tell me why you no longer wish to work for the Ministry.”

Allegra hedged—she didn’t want to seem grasping or fickle. “My NEWTs didn’t quite qualify me for the Auror Office, and I’m finding in my current situation that I’m just not getting the level of challenge that I need.”

“And you think you’ll get that from teaching at Hogwarts?” Dumbledore asked.

“One thing I remember about all my teachers, both here and at my muggle school, is that they were challenged both academically and personally. They get to work with the highest human resource we have—the mind—and they have the privilege of helping young people shape themselves into respectable citizens of the world. I think that’s a pretty great challenge.”

Both Dumbledore and McGonagall nodded in agreement. “Well, Miss Brigantes, I need to tell you something. I filled the post for Potions today—that’s where I was earlier, speaking to the new Potions Master—so the only post that is open is for Defence against the Dark Arts. Is that amenable to you?”

Allegra nodded enthusiastically. “Oh yes, of course! I can teach either one, so I’d be delighted with Defence.”

* * * * *

Allegra got the job.

The next few weeks were a whirlwind of activity. She gave notice at the Ministry, shopped for new robes at Madame Malkin’s, and she read and read and read everything she could get her hands on regarding dark magic and defence. Allegra knew quite a lot about it already, but teaching the material was another matter. She would be facing not only First Years, but Seventh Years as well, students who would rely on her knowledge to prepare for their NEWT exams. All of a sudden, Allegra felt the weight of her new profession press down on her slender shoulders.

The day before she had to report to Hogwarts, Allegra visited the beauty salon to have her blonde hair trimmed and her nails done. She bought a new traveling cloak—crimson trimmed in gold—and three pairs of shoes. Finally, Allegra stocked up on all the most recent volumes on Defence against the Dark Arts, thinking that she could expand on what was dictated by the textbooks. When she learned the subject from her mother and grandmothers, they often deviated from the books and gave her real world advice and methods that were proven effective.

August 25 Allegra reported to Hogwarts, ready to get herself settled in. Apparently the new Potions Master had not yet arrived, which gave Allegra time to move into her rooms and take a look at her classroom. Her bedroom was larger than she expected, with a huge fireplace and a very comfortable-looking bed. She peered out the window at her view, which overlooked the rolling green lawns that stretched out toward the Black Lake in the far distance. Just off to the left was Hagrid’s hut, right on the edge of the Forbidden Forest.

Allegra smiled faintly as she remembered her one adventure into the forest in her third year. It was all Lily Evans’ fault—they were walking and talking and not paying attention to where they were or what time it was, and before they knew it, everything became dark and cold and mysterious. Both she and Lily became even more frightened when they heard the sound of a young werewolf not too distant from where they stood in the moonlit evening. Allegra froze in utter fright, but to her amazement, Lily only rolled her eyes.

“We need to get out of here,” Allegra said, her voice shaking with intense fear.

“He won’t hurt us,” Lily replied nonchalantly.

“And you know that because?”

Lily shrugged. “I just know. That’s all I can say.” Together, they began to walk back out of the forest, but soon, Allegra stopped.

“What do you mean you just know?” she asked skeptically. “You mean you know who the werewolf is?”

“Look, Allegra, I really can’t say, OK? It’s OK, I swear.”

“It’s not Sirius Black, is it?” Allegra whispered. “I won’t tell on him.”

Lily shook her head no. “It’s not Sirius.”

“But you know who it is? You know him?”

Lily began walking again, faster this time. “Let’s just forget it, OK? Forget I ever said a word.”

Allegra rushed to keep up, which was difficult as Lily was taller than she. “How can I forget that there’s a werewolf who’s a student here at Hogwarts?”

But that wasn’t the reason Allegra left Hogwarts at the end of that year. Not the only reason, anyway. It was more complex than that.

Allegra stepped back from the window and went into the bathroom, where she laid out all her things. She looked carefully at her reflection, the blue eyes and high cheekbones.

“I look too young,” she said to herself dolefully. “How are they going to take me seriously?” She considered wearing her hair in a tight bun, just like Professor McGonagall. No, that wouldn’t help. Could it be that she was…too pretty for this? No, that sounded far too vain. After all, it wasn’t as if Allegra was some sort of fashion plate. She liked to think of herself as a plain, simple woman, not flashy or ostentatious, but dignified and presentable all the same.

Allegra had no idea what she had gotten herself into. A flood of self-doubt poured into her head, and she would have packed up her trunk and dashed out of the place had not Professor McGonagall knocked at her door at just that moment.

“We’re ready for you two in the Headmaster’s Office,” she said.

_You two_? Oh yes, the Potions Master. Allegra wondered what he would be like. She hoped he would be older and somewhat wise, someone she might be able to learn from and look to for support as they both entered into their new posts. She wanted him to have slightly graying hair and a bit of a belly, sort of like a kindly uncle.

And then, just as she rounded the corner three paces behind McGonagall, she spotted him, off in the distance. How wrong her description was.


	2. Of Big Noses and Mirrors

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A new job, a new love? Allegra and Aurora can't take their eyes from each other...

He was already there when Allegra walked into the Headmaster’s Office, which was cluttered with some of the strangest objects she had ever seen. They whirred and pinged and seemed to have minds of their own. In fact, Allegra was so distracted by these many objects that she barely took notice of her new colleague, until he stood up and faced her.

He was tall, thin and gaunt, with long black hair parted down the centre of his head, which put even more emphasis on his long, aquiline nose. His eyes were deep black, at once both sharply penetrating yet almost inhumanly cold. Yet he was very young, nearly as young as she, she was certain. Allegra was sure she had seen him somewhere, but couldn’t quite remember, until…

“Professor Allegra Brigantes,” Dumbledore said cheerily, “please meet your new colleague, Professor Severus Snape.”

That was it, of course! Severus Snape had been a student at Hogwarts when she was there. But he looked so different now, so grown up—compelling in an unusual sort of way that Allegra couldn’t fully comprehend. She stretched out her hand in greeting.

“I remember you,” she said cheerfully. “We were at school together.”

He clasped her hand rigidly, shook it briefly, then folded his thin arms across his chest as if to look broader than he really was. Now she remembered him more clearly—mostly, Allegra remembered the aloof, arrogant, almost confrontational attitude he had back in those days. Some things never change, she thought, though she hoped he had changed. Perhaps he was like this in new situations. Perhaps it was some sort of defence mechanism to help him deal with uncomfortable meetings like this, though Allegra couldn’t imagine why meeting a new colleague should be uncomfortable. Shouldn’t he be excited? Perhaps she was presuming too much.

“Yes, I recall,” he said smoothly. “You were the girl who left.”

Allegra laughed sheepishly. “I guess I’ll never quite live that down, will I?”

Severus gave her a look that suddenly made her feel almost naked, as if he were looking through her soul with those dark, piercing eyes of his. She quickly used Occlumency to shut her mind against his intrusions. He looked away.

“You were a Ravenclaw, right?” she asked.

“Slytherin, in fact. You were in Gryffindor.”

She smiled. “Your memory is better than mine, I guess. You know, now that I look at you, I do remember you very clearly. It’s your nose, in fact.”

“Excuse me?” Severus asked, now looking a little paler than before.

“I used to stare at your nose in class, for days and days.”

“And why did you do that?” he asked, clearly affronted.

“It’s the most magnificent nose I’ve ever seen,” she replied admiringly. “Most Englishmen have those boring pencil straight noses, but yours has a sort of exotic look to it, almost Spanish or something. It’s beautiful.”

Severus flushed a bit, and Dumbledore laughed.

“Well, Severus, it looks like the two of you will get along just fine, then,” he said, patting Severus on the shoulder and laughing again.

Severus did not smile, even faintly.

The rest of the day was spent in staff meetings, where Allegra and Severus met the other teachers. Together, they went over the schedule of classes, special duties and supervisions, study hall hours, changes to the retirement plan, all sorts of dull business that had nothing to do with academics. Allegra and Severus learned that if either of them wished to be a Head of House, they had to be a teacher for at least five years before they qualified. They also learned about when they could and could not leave campus for business or pleasure, when they could make visits home to see family or friends, and when they could go on holiday. Madame Pomfrey went over a few things about the Hospital Wing, and Madame Pince went over the Library policies. Severus seemed particularly interested in what she had to say.

Then, they met Hagrid, Mr. Filch and the ghosts, all of whom explained their duties and their expectations from all staff—the ghosts gave particular insights in how to deal with Peeves, the school poltergeist, and Hagrid reminded them of the dangers within the Forbidden Forest, a speech that neither Allegra nor Severus really needed. Mr. Filch updated the staff on his ever-increasing list of rules and regulations, all of which the teachers were expected to enforce.

Allegra leaned over to Severus as Filch went on. “Are Fanged Frisbees still illegal here?” she whispered in his ear. She giggled. He did not. Allegra raised her eyebrows and listed on, though as the presentations dragged on and on, she found it extremely difficult to pay attention. Allegra found herself going over Defence in her mind, thinking of what she would say to her new students, what she last said to her ex-boyfriend when she moved out of his flat a year ago, an advert for yoghurt she had seen on muggle television, anything at all but what Filch had to say. Severus, on the other hand, seemed to hang onto every word, as if it were the most fascinating information he had ever heard.

Perhaps he was plotting Filch’s murder, Allegra thought with an inner smirk. If Filch went on like this, she just might join in on such a plot. But no, that was just silliness.

All the teachers had the next few days to prepare their lessons and to have a little relaxation time before the madness of the school began. Allegra had become quite friendly with Madame Hooch, the Flying instructor, and with tiny Professor Flitwick, the Charms teacher. She remembered Flitwick very well from her old school days.

Allegra also became quite friendly with Professor Sinistra, the Astronomy teacher—she didn’t remember her from her school days, and supposed that this woman was relatively new to the staff. Sinistra was tall and slim, with wavy brown hair that fell about her shoulders. She had strong features, not pretty but startlingly beautiful all the same. Allegra found herself riveted by her.

“So how did you fare on your Charms NEWT?” Flitwick asked her one evening at dinner.

“I earned an O, as a matter of fact.”

“I had a feeling you would,” he replied proudly. “You did have quite a knack for the subject. And I suppose you did equally well in Defence?”

“Almost. An E in Defence, in fact.”

Severus snorted from his end of the table, but Allegra decided to ignore it.

“I did well in the practicum, but it was the theory that got me in the end.”

“And here you are teaching it,” Severus said snidely.

Allegra was tempted to shoot some smart remark back at him, but decided to hold her tongue. Better not to get into a scrape with a new colleague so early on. She had learned that lesson the hard way, and didn’t want to make the same mistake.

“Anyway,” she said, hoping to change the subject, “time heals all wounds, right?”

“Quite right, Professor,” Flitwick replied jovially.

“Call me Allegra, Fillius, I insist.”

“Why exactly did you leave here?” Professor Sinistra asked. She looked at Allegra in such a way that made Allegra suddenly feel a bit flustered.

Allegra tried to look away from Sinistra’s intense gaze, but found herself briefly transfixed. “It’s a bit of a long story, really. A lot of it was because of academics. I wanted more than what was offered here, and I knew I could learn magic at home and study the other things I wanted.”

“But that’s not all?” Sinistra asked, her eyes still fastened on Allegra’s.

“No, not entirely. To be honest, I felt a little unsafe here.” Allegra’s heart raced, and suddenly her mouth felt very dry. She took a long drink of water and ate more of her dinner.

“Unsafe how?” Flitwick asked.

“When Severus and I were students here, there was another student who was a werewolf. I never found out who he was or anything, but the fact was never denied by a girl who knew him, even though she never said who he was.”

“Which girl?” Flitwick wondered.

“Lily Evans,” Severus replied from his end of the table.

Allegra stared at him incredulously. “You knew about it, too?”

“Not until some time later, but yes, I knew.”

“You knew who it was?”

“Of course. I made it my business to know. Imagine having a werewolf running about the school! I wanted to stay out of his way!”

“Did you report him?” Allegra asked.

“Why? To have him thrown out? Not hardly. Besides, that would never have happened anyway.”

“Why not?” Allegra asked.

Severus eyed her carefully. “Because the Headmaster would not permit it.”

Allegra scowled. “That’s not much of a reason. What if he had attacked someone, really injured someone? Why would the school permit such a dangerous person to be around innocent kids?”

“Because perhaps the Headmaster is a great deal wiser than the rest of us. And more forgiving.”

Sinistra smiled into her cup of pumpkin juice.

Allegra shrugged. “I suppose you’re right on that score. And after all, it wasn’t the boy’s fault for being a werewolf. I suppose he was attacked somehow, turned into a monster against his will.”

“Of course it was against his will,” Severus said sharply. “Who would willingly become a monster?”

“Who indeed?” Allegra said.

After dinner, Allegra returned to her room to take a few more notes and complete a few more lesson plans. She thought it might be a good idea to keep ahead of herself, just in case she had to change something or slow down. That was how she dealt with everything, keeping herself impeccably prepared for the very worst case scenario, just in case. That was her safety in life, that she could create order in a disordered world. She could cope with the unexpected that way, make sense of out all the surprises life had to assault her with.

Or so she believed.

But working with kids was something new, more unpredictable than she was sure she could handle. Still, Allegra craved the challenge of her new profession. For far too long, she had allowed herself to hide away in a job that was far too convenient and predictable merely to avoid confrontation or conflict. More often than not in the past, Allegra had allowed her temper to get the better of her. If she wasn’t butting heads with her supervisor, then she was yelling at a criminal she had just arrested. She was told to cool off, learn how to channel her emotions, and for the last year and a half, Allegra had learned how to control herself. Her greatest fear now was that she might forget about all the progress she had made over the years and fall back to how she was.

Professor Sinistra had blue eyes…or were they green? Allegra could see nothing else for more than a few moments.

Being back at Hogwarts brought other challenges to her, challenges she wasn’t sure she was ready for, now that she was here. The morning of September 1, as she headed to the Staff Lounge for a special breakfast, Allegra passed by a shut classroom door, just next to a painting of Sir Cadogan. It was an ordinary door, identical to the one to its right and to the one to its left and to the ones all the way down the corridor. And yet, this was no ordinary door. Allegra stopped, almost instinctively, as if her legs had suddenly stopped working. They felt like lead as she stood there, wanting to move far away from that door.

 _Come on_ , she heard. Or did she? She looked all around frantically, but saw no one. Allegra’s blood ran cold as she stood frozen to the spot. Her hands shook and her heart pounded in her chest.

_Shut up, you little bitch!_

“Are ye in distress, my lady?” a man’s voice clamoured from behind her. Allegra whipped around in shock, her face chalk white, but when she saw it was only Sir Cadogan from his painting, she breathed a sigh of relief.

“I’m fine, Sir Cadogan,” she said.

“I’ll fight him! Just tell me where he is, and I’ll cut him down!” he shouted, brandishing his long sword.

Allegra smiled, waved him off and moved on towards breakfast.

The Staff Lounge smelled like fresh coffee and scones and bacon. Nearly everyone was there, helping themselves to large portions of eggs and bangers and all sorts of wonderful things. Allegra poured herself a cup of coffee, then filled her plate and sat down at one of the smaller tables by the window. She was joined by Flitwick.

“You look a bit peaky this morning,” he said. “I suppose you’re a bit nervous.”

“A bit, actually,” she confessed.

He patted her on the hand. “You’ll be just fine, Allegra. And remember, you’re surrounded by lots of experienced teachers, so don’t be shy about asking for some advice, especially about any unruly students.”

“He’s got that right,” Professor Sinistra said, setting her plate and orange juice down at the table. “Just remember NOT to smile at anyone for at least the first term. One smile and you’re cooked.”

Allegra laughed. “Aren’t you exaggerating just a bit, Professor?” she asked, taking a long drink of coffee.

“I wish I were,” Sinistra said plainly. “And by the way, call me Aurora. Most of us are on a first-name basis, unless we’re in the presence of students. Anyway, I made a massive mistake my first year here. I thought I should be sort of motherly toward the First Years, and the next thing I knew, the little bastards were constantly pulling all sorts of pranks!”

Allegra laughed.

“Oh laugh if you will, but remember something. Those little First Years may be young, but magic is magic. They can’t always undo the hexes they throw about.”

Allegra smirked and nodded. She got it. “So if I don’t want to be sporting antlers for the next ten years, smile and be a snarky bitch?”

“Pretty much,” Aurora replied They smiled at each other. Allegra’s heart raced again.

Severus came in—Allegra spotted him from the corner of her eye. He took a modest amount of food, just a single egg, a tomato slice and some coffee, and proceeded to sit not with the other teachers at the various small tables that dotted the room, but rather, alone in the darkest corner. There, he ate in monastic silence, eying every single person around him, Allegra included. She again used Occlumency to keep him out of her thoughts. After only a few minutes, he had finished his meal and was already heading out of the room without a word to anyone.

“Do you remember him as a student?” she asked in a very low voice, indicating Severus.

“He was a Fifth Year when I started,” Aurora said quietly. “Brilliant mind, but a difficult personality. A lot of the kids disliked him, never really gave him a proper chance.”

“Why would someone like that want to return here to teach?” Allegra wondered. “I mean, doesn’t teaching require a certain rapport with the students?”

“Well, people act differently in different situations,” Flitwick said. “Someone can be very off-putting in one group, and the life of the party with another group.”

Allegra sniggered. “Yes, but come on. Do you really think that he can be the life of any party?”


	3. Aurora's Night Sky

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Love finds Allegra and Aurora. Or is it lust?

They came in droves, all of them dressed in their black school robes and pointed hats. They were tall, short, thin, tubby, redheads, blonds, brunettes—even a couple of boys with shaved heads and a girl with a pink mohawk. Most of the students were English—very English—but a fair few were of African or Indian descent. She found out that two of the students were American, a pair of sisters, and that one of the Gryffindors was a member of the British Royal Family. A distant relation, of course.

Watching them all trail into the Great Hall was fascinating to Allegra, who hadn’t witnessed this in a very long time, and never from the Staff table. Seated next to Aurora, Allegra felt much sympathy for the First Years, and as she watched them walk nervously up to the front of the Hall in order to be sorted, she knew how they must feel. To be in a place so huge, so foreign, and so far away from home and safety was a daunting thing, and in fact, she could see traces of homesickness on many of their little faces. How could they not feel homesick, being sent off to the chilly north all alone? She had felt the same way when she was a girl.

Allegra looked all around the Hall as the sorting went on, her attention suddenly distracted by a very blond boy sitting at the Hufflepuff table, chatting with his friends. He was tall, strong, rather handsome. His white blond hair looked almost angelic, almost innocent. Almost. It was a bit on the longer side, a bit shaggy but well groomed—a little too well groomed.

_Do it and shut up!_

“Hey, are you alright?” Aurora whispered in her ear.

Allegra jumped at the sound of her voice. “Oh, yeah, I’m fine,” she said, a little breathless.

Aurora placed a hand on Allegra’s cheek, then on her arm. “You looked like a ghost for a moment. I was worried you were ill. We can’t have our new teacher falling over on her first day.”

She put her hand over Aurora’s and smiled at her. “I’m fine, really. Thanks. It’s just a bit of nerves.” She gave Aurora’s hand a little squeeze and let it go.

Allegra looked back at the blond boy and shuddered, then struggled to turn her attention back to the Sorting Ceremony. A black-haired boy had just been put into Slytherin, and the Slytherin table exploded in hoots and cheers. Allegra clapped for the new Slytherin, along with everyone else, but then, noticed that she was being watched—she knew who was watching her before she even had to look over. Severus’ eyes bored into her, making her wonder just how much he saw going on in her mind just then. She pictured herself making a gesture at him, which made Severus turn his eyes away from her in anger. Allegra smiled to herself. That’ll teach the greasy git to invade her privacy.

At the end of the start of term feast, the students were dismissed to their houses, leaving the Staff to linger a bit over their coffee and dessert. Severus and a couple of other teachers went off to their rooms, but many stayed, including Allegra and Aurora.

“So tell me all about teaching Astronomy,” Allegra said. “It must be fascinating to do all that stargazing.”

“You should come to my classroom sometime,” Aurora replied. “I’ve charmed the ceiling to look like the night sky so that even during the day, we can look up at the different constellations. I have the students lie on the floor and look up at the sky as I tell them how to find all the stars and tell them what their meaning is.”

“That sounds wonderful,” Allegra said. “When I studied the subject at home, I would lie on the roof with my grandmother.”

“Did you learn all your magic from women?”

“Most of it. All of my advanced magic.”

“Good. It’s more powerful that way. Witches should learn from other witches.”

Allegra laughed. “You don’t really believe that, do you?”

“Of course I do!”

“But most of the teachers here are men. Didn’t you go to school here?”

“Hogwarts is about academics more than anything, Allegra. But the reality of magic I took from my mother and my sisters, not from my father. The female spirit feels magic more completely—for wizards it’s all about power and control, but for witches, it’s about our connection to the creative forces of the universe, and to each other.”

Allegra nodded. “Maybe you could teach me about the sky, then.”

“Maybe I could.”

* * * * *

First class: Fifth Year Gryffindors and Slytherins.

Object: to give an overview of the class, to scare the shit out of them regarding their upcoming OWL exams, and to set them lots and lots of reading, plus a reader’s journal summarising and reflecting on what they just read. Due next class.

Second class: Third Years, all houses.

Object: to give an overview of the class, to scare the shit out of them regarding the end-of-year exams, and to set them lots and lots of reading, plus a reader’s journal summarising and reflecting on what they just read. Due next class.

By lunchtime, Allegra was exhausted. Generally, the students were well behaved and attentive. On the other hand, this was only the first day of class. There were still at least 179 schooldays to go before the summer holidays began. Allegra sat at the far end of the Staff table and ate her ham sandwich in a sort of stunned stupor. She barely noticed Aurora sit next to her until a hand touched her on the shoulder.

“You look like shit,” Aurora said laughingly.

“What a morning!” Allegra exclaimed. A First Year fainted in my class when I mentioned werewolves, and we spent the rest of the class trying to calm down.”

“You have my sympathies, and by the way, welcome to the world of teaching,” Aurora said. “Hey, why don’t you come by later? I’ll show you my sky.”

“That sounds glorious,” Allegra replied. “I’ll bring the elf-made wine, but be warned, I might drink half the bottle myself!”

Aurora laughed. “Just as long as I get the other half!”

She was right about the sky on her ceiling. Allegra wondered how Aurora did it, but only momentarily. Before long, her attention was completely consumed by the masses of stars, everywhere she looked. It was like an ebony blanket shielding her from the world and all its dangers and chaos. It disappeared into misty nothingness, giving Allegra a deep feeling of peace all of a sudden.

“It’s amazing,” she breathed.

Aurora poured out the wine for both of them. They sat cross-legged on the floor of the classroom, facing each other, sipping wine and looking up at the stars. Allegra could feel herself breathe for the first time in days, as all the tension of her first teaching day melted away in the comfortable darkness.

“The wine is good,” Aurora said. She set down her glass.

“I picked that one up on my last trip to Paris,” Allegra said.

“So you’re a world traveler?”

“Well, I like to apparate here and there sometimes. Just for fun.” Allegra lay back on the floor and looked up at the sky above, wondering at all she saw. Aurora lay back next to her. “What’s that one?” Allegra asked, pointing upward.

“Which? Show me.” Aurora moved closer, so that they lay shoulder to shoulder. She put her hand over Allegra’s, allowing Allegra to point to a jagged mess of stars above.

“I don’t remember that one from my studies,” Allegra said, trying to ignore the butterflies in her stomach just then. She could feel Aurora’s warmth against her face, her hair. And when Aurora’s hand caressed her cheek so lightly, Allegra felt a thrill in her heart. She turned to face Aurora, and almost hesitatingly, pressed her lips to hers, not knowing how Aurora would react.

To her delight and relief, Aurora pulled her close, wrapping her in a warm embrace as their kiss deepened and transformed into a delicate choreography. They danced for a very long time as the stars twinkled above.

* * * * *

Allegra’s first class the next day was a group of Seventh Years from all houses. They were an intense lot, all frantic about their upcoming NEWT exams in June. Allegra pushed all thoughts of her time with Aurora out of her mind and struggled to focus on her students. As it turned out, her students were bright, motivated and ready to learn everything she had to teach them.

A redheaded Ravenclaw boy raised his hand. “So, are you going last the entire year?”

Allegra laughed. “Well I certainly hope so! Why wouldn’t I?”

“Last year we had three teachers in this class. Everyone says this class is cursed!”

The class murmured excitedly until Allegra quieted them down. “Well I don’t know about that, but I hope I’ll be here for a very long time. The important thing for all of you to remember is that I am going to do everything I can to prepare you for your exams this year.”

Her Sixth Year class was similar. They were very worried about the exam, though for them it was two years away. Allegra started the class with a large amount of factual information, then set them fifty pages of reading. She planned on giving them a practicum of nonverbal magic the next class.

By the end of that first week, Allegra was beyond exhausted. So many students, so many papers to grade, too many papers—it was unreal. And then there were all those lessons to prepare, spells and hexes to master and teach, methods to watch and train, and of course, all those personalities to handle. Most of the students were affable and willing to learn, but not all. She had a fair few, especially in the Third and Sixth years, who were a bit lost in the shuffle and seemed to have gotten their priorities misdirected. They were too far from exams but no longer little children. Allegra’s toughest battle was to figure out who needed what and who responded to what.

Aurora was her sanity. In her life, Allegra had been through her share of lovers, both male and female, but none of them was quite like Aurora Sinistra. Her lips were so soft, yet as they touched her own, they sent a jolt of electricity through Allegra’s body and soul. Aurora’s hands were powerful, magical, yet so light, so that Allegra’s skin tingled at Aurora’s merest caress.

She wondered how long this would last.

Allegra’s usual pattern with her lovers was as follows: Week one—amazing intimacy, lots of liquor, little talk. Week two—amazing intimacy, lots of liquor, more talk, but about trivial things. Week three—pretty good intimacy, even more liquor, talk about personal matters of the heart and soul. Week four—an agreement to be more serious and mature, which always lapsed into more intimacy, but less liquor. Week five was up for grabs. She broke up with some lovers by week five but not with all. In fact, Allegra held on to some of her lovers for a full three months.

But this was different, new, sort of exciting. Allegra had no idea where this would go, if anywhere, but she was willing to find out. One thing she knew was that she desperately wanted to break her old pattern and really try and commit herself to someone for longer than a fortnight. Allegra couldn’t remember a single relationship that had ever gone well, and now, she wanted that to change, to settle down for once and really grow in love, not just in lust. Filled with newfound confidence, Allegra forged ahead, preparing to make this work.

But keeping her thoughts to herself was no easy task, something she had already discovered at the feast. Severus Snape was not only a Legilimens, but he was not shy about using his gift. What Allegra couldn’t figure out was why he was doing this. What did he stand to gain, and why did he invade her thoughts specifically? Allegra didn’t think she would find a need to use Occlumency when she left the Ministry, but once again, she found herself confronted by a colleague who seemed to have her worst interests at heart.

There were two different ways of handling this situation, perhaps three. The first was outright confrontation, which, in her life, had never worked out. Usually, Allegra’s confrontations ended in screaming matches, and she usually lost. The second way was what she was already doing—using Occlumency whenever he was around. But that took a lot of effort, and it was going to interfere with the freedom she was already feeling with Aurora. Allegra didn’t want to have to worry constantly about covering up details about her life. The third way was to fight fire with fire and use Legilimency against Severus.

That could be fun. Very fun.


	4. The Rescuer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _People came and went all day long, but Allegra never left her barstool. She never ate, spoke to no one, looked at no one. And when she passed out on her barstool, she never felt a pair of arms pick her up and apparate her back to the front gates of Hogwarts. She was too out of it to realise she was being carried upstairs to her room, set into her bed and covered up with warm blankets. Allegra never knew who sat by her bedside for several hours to make sure she didn’t get sick or stumble and fall and injure herself. And by the time she finally regained consciousness, her rescuer was long gone._

Allegra’s very favourite student was a Slytherin boy, Sean Somersby. He was only a Second Year, and in his first week of classes had managed to topple over four piles of books, and break a glass jar containing an engorged ant, and that was just as he was trying to get to his seat. Sean struggled to keep focused on the lessons, but more often than not found himself distracted by the other students or by owls flying past the window or just about anything else that moved or made noise. And yet, there was this sort of hapless sweetness Sean possessed, forcing Allegra to be far more forgiving than she was with anyone else. She treasured his humble presence.

Sean couldn’t help it that he was in Slytherin. The other students, even the Slytherins, were less than kind to clumsy little Sean, but he didn’t seem to be too upset over that. He would clean up the frequent messes he made, smile his lopsided, toothy smile and crash over to his seat, followed by a chorus of giggles from the other students in the room.

“You should see what he did to his telescope yesterday,” Aurora said one day at break. The two of them sat with Professor Grubbly-Plank and Madame Hooch, drinking tea and gossiping about everything under the sun. “I’ve never seen anyone actually snap it in half, but Sean somehow managed it, and without a wand.”

They all laughed.

“But he’s no Squib,” Madame Hooch said. “You should see him fly. Very talented on a broomstick. He’d be a real asset on the Slytherin Quidditch team.”

“Maybe he should stay on the Quidditch pitch and away from breakable objects,” Allegra said.

They all laughed again.

“Sweet kid.”

Severus entered the room soundlessly, helped himself to tea, and before he could sit down in his usual dark corner in the far distance, Allegra waved him over, tapping on an empty seat next to her. Severus merely glared at her, then sat by himself. The others looked at him in mild shock.

“What is wrong with that guy?” Allegra asked in a low whisper to the others, careful that no one beyond their small table could overhear.

“Don’t worry about him,” Madame Hooch said. “He’s got issues.”

“You can say that again,” Allegra replied. “I thought I was messed up, but I look completely normal by comparison.”

Aurora smiled. “You look better than normal.”

Allegra chuckled. “You’re too kind.”

“When he was at school he was a pretty spooky kid. He was involved in some pretty dark stuff when he was at school here, or so the students said about him all the time,” Aurora said quietly.

“He used to run around with some pretty dodgy characters,” Madame Hooch said.

“Oh my gosh, you’re right!” exclaimed Aurora. “I heard he was friends with Lucius Malfoy when he was younger. Of course, that was before I started here.”

That made Allegra pay close attention. “I remember him,” she said. “Tall, blond, sort of scary?” Her hands trembled a bit. She fumbled her spoon.

“You knew him at school?” Madame Hooch asked.

“Oh, well, his name got tossed about the Law Enforcement Office a bit,” Allegra said. She suddenly felt cold—she shivered.

* * * * *

Before Allegra knew it, three entire weeks of school had passed by, and as October neared, she wondered how time had flown so quickly. Her relationship with Aurora was going extremely well, almost too well. She had decided not to jump into her usual pattern of behaviour, and so, they were taking things slowly—lots of talking, a fair bit of snogging, but no shagging. Not yet anyway. Allegra noticed on the calendar, to her delight, that a free staff weekend was coming up very soon. This could be the perfect opportunity to take things with Aurora to the next level.

They sat again under Aurora’s sky, sipping wine and just talking quietly, kissing lightly, spending this precious quiet time close together.

“We should go away together this weekend,” Allegra suggested. “I know a wonderful little B-and-B in Kent, right near Dover. The view is amazing.”

Aurora kissed her lips, then her neck, then her fingertips. “That sounds perfect, actually. We could use some time away from the rabble, don’t you think?”

“Then it’s a date.” Allegra kissed her and ran her fingers through her hair. “I want to be with you,” she whispered.

All week long, Allegra could only think of her upcoming excursion with Aurora. This was the first time she had been with someone who treated her so well, like an equal and not just as a sex object. For a brief time Allegra had wondered why Aurora never suggested sex before—she worried a little that perhaps Aurora might not be interested in her. Therefore, Aurora’s enthusiasm gave Allegra great hopes that this might be the perfect match. She hoped, anyway.

The only negative aspect of the whole arrangement was the almost constant presence of Severus Snape. Now that Allegra knew he had once been friendly with Lucius Malfoy, her opinion about him went from bad to worse. Only a very bad, dangerous person would ever keep company with someone as detestable as Lucius Malfoy. Everyone knew that. Allegra knew it all too well, and yet…never mind. It was just too much to think about. So many years had passed. And yet, she rebuked herself for avoiding that corridor, that door, that voice. Allegra would take five extra minutes if she had to in order to avoid that area. Better that, she thought, than to feel sick and flustered and nauseated for the rest of the day.

Saturday morning, Allegra nearly leapt from her bed, eager to start their romantic weekend together. She dressed quickly and dashed to Aurora’s room before breakfast to see if she was packed and ready to go later that morning. Allegra found it nearly impossible to contain her excitement as she watched Aurora slip into her robes. She sat down on the bed whilst Aurora put on her shoes. Aurora looked over at her and laughed.

“You’re like a kid today!” she exclaimed. She sat down next to Allegra and kissed her. 

Allegra pulled her close and together, they lay back on the bed, their kiss deepening even more. She melted into Aurora’s softness, thrilled at her touch. 

But suddenly, Aurora sat up. “Come on! Let’s save that for Dover. You’re going to get me in trouble!”

Allegra laughed. She jumped to her feet and twirled about the room. “I’m so excited!” she squealed.

“I can tell!”

“It’s just…I haven’t done this in a while, you know, been with a woman.”

“No?”

“My last girlfriend was something like two years ago, and for the last year and a half, I’ve just been with men.” Allegra moved to the door, ready to go to the Great Hall for breakfast, but suddenly she noticed that Aurora wasn’t moving. “What? Honey, are you OK?”

“You’ve been with men?”

What? “Well yeah, I mean, I’ve been with both. Is that a problem?” Allegra was confused by Aurora’s sudden frostiness.

“I can’t do this, Allegra. I can’t be with you.”

“WHAT??? What are you talking about?” Allegra shrieked. This was unbelievable. What was going on?

“I don’t date bisexuals. Only lesbians.”

“But that’s crazy! I…”

“Look, hon, I’ve been with too many women who were only looking for their token Sapphic experience, and then is was ciao babe, and off they went to marry some wizard. I can’t do that anymore, Allegra. I made a promise to myself ages ago.”

“What makes you think I’m going to run off with anyone?” Allegra cried, still reeling from the shock. “I thought we had a real connection, something authentic!”

“I’m sorry, Allegra,” Aurora said plainly, her voice devoid of the slightest emotion. “But a promise is a promise.”

“Fuck your promises! That’s not good enough to throw away what we’ve got going! You can’t do this!”

“I’m sorry, Allegra. You’re just the wrong orientation.”

The wrong orientation? “I’ve never even heard that before!” This was too much! A total outrage!

Aurora shrugged, but said nothing.

“Right, and now I suppose you’re going to say that you want to be just friends,” Allegra sneered. She sniffled and fought back a flood of tears.

“I was hoping so.”

Allegra stepped back, entirely affronted. “Yeah, right.” 

She threw open the door and stormed out, down the stairs, past the Great Hall, nearly toppling over Severus in her path, through the Entrance Hall and straight to the front gates of the school. Nearly blinded by tears, Allegra ran as fast as she could down the long path towards Hogsmeade, but before she got to the town, she took a sharp left turn, into a thick grove of dark trees. She sank to her knees in a pile of leaves, broke down and wept bitterly until she was too exhausted to move. For a while, Allegra lay in the itchy pile of crackled leaves, too depressed to do anything. All she could hear in her ears was Aurora telling her she was the wrong orientation. It was all too horrible.

She sneezed, which seemed to revive her, at least in body. Allegra stood up, seeing to her dismay that her robes were entirely covered in leaves and dirt.

“I look like I got jumped by a bowtruckle,” she muttered, taking out her wand. She pointed the wand at her robes and in a flash, they were clean once again. Neglecting to pull the leaves out of her hair, Allegra slumped back to the main road and sauntered, almost in a daze, towards Hogsmeade.

She knew exactly where she needed to go.

The Hog’s Head was almost completely empty at that hour of the late morning, which suited Allegra just fine. She sat in a dark corner of the bar and motioned for the bartender.

“Firewhiskey,” she asked.

“It’s a bit early isn’t it? It’s barely noon.”

Allegra scowled. “And leave the bottle.”

The bartender brought the bottle—a full bottle—and a crystal tumbler. “You want to mix this with something?”

She shook her head no.

The bartender looked askance at Allegra, noting the red, puffy eyes and the giant yellow leaf sticking out of the side of her hair. He reached forward and pulled it out for her. Allegra blushed hotly, but poured out a full glass of whiskey for herself.

“You go rolling in the leaves often, Miss?” he asked.

“No,” Allegra replied sourly. “I had a bad morning.” She took a long drink—the sharpness of the liquor made her cough, but that didn’t deter her from taking another long drink.

“You drink enough of that shit, you’ll have a bad rest of the day,” he replied, trying to be kind. “You sure you want the entire bottle?”

“For starters, yes.”

He raised his eyebrows, but then decided to let her have her way. He took care of another customer at the other end of the bar, leaving Allegra to drink and drink and drink until she could no longer hold her head up. People came and went all day long, but Allegra never left her barstool. She never ate, spoke to no one, looked at no one. And when she passed out on her barstool, she never felt a pair of arms pick her up and apparate her back to the front gates of Hogwarts. She was too out of it to realise she was being carried upstairs to her room, set into her bed and covered up with warm blankets.

Allegra never knew who sat by her bedside for several hours to make sure she didn’t get sick or stumble and fall and injure herself. And by the time she finally regained consciousness, her rescuer was long gone.

She felt like shit. The bartender was right.

When Allegra woke up the next day, the invading light from the windows felt like daggers, pummeling and piercing her brains like ravaging manticores. She groaned as the ceiling whirled above her in a sickening haze. Her stomach lurched, and before she knew it, Allegra dashed to the bathroom to sick up everything she had done to herself the previous day. The floor and the ceiling spun in different directions, then together, then different again. Crouched next to the u-bend, Allegra rested her head on her arms and waited for the spinning to stop.

Two agonising hours later, she managed to stand up, rinse out her mouth and splash some cold water on her burning face. She suddenly felt hungry, but she had no idea what time it was. Then it occurred to her. How exactly did she get back here? And did the students see her in this condition? She wanted to be sick again, but this time, remained strong. Allegra changed her clothes and went out in search of a little relief. She made her way down to the dungeons, hoping that he would be there, perhaps prepping for tomorrow’s lessons or reading or doing something terribly academic.

She knocked on the door, a little too loudly. The sound made her head ache horribly. Allegra could smell something and knew that he must be in there. She knocked again, louder this time. Footsteps. Yes, he certainly was there. Allegra raised her fist to knock a third time, but just then, Severus opened the door sharply.

“Oh! You’re here!” she exclaimed, quickly putting her hand down. “I’m sorry to bother you, Severus.”

Severus looked down at her sternly. Allegra wondered how such a young person could look so grim and grave.

“Come in,” he said rather coldly, “and shut the door behind you.” He poured out a cup of tea, then produced a phial containing a bright green fluid, two drops of which he put into the tea. Then, Severus handed the cup to Allegra.

“What did you just put in the tea?” she asked, hesitant to drink anything from a friend of Lucius Malfoy’s.

“Something to take away your hangover. Considering how much you drank yesterday, it’s a miracle you’re not dead from alcohol poisoning.”

Allegra flushed. “How did you know…”

Snape raised an eyebrow. “Who do you think brought you home?”


	5. Looking Past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back at Hogwarts, everything should be fine...but Allegra becomes more and more troubled by past memories. Will she be able to hang on to her job, or will the stress be too much for her?

She had never felt so humiliated—at least not in a very long time. In spite of her past difficulties in life and love, Allegra liked to think that she carried herself with a certain modicum of dignity, but now, looking into the black hole that was yesterday, she saw how far she had let herself fall. She knew exactly why, of course. She had always known what drove her to such self-destructive acts. On the other hand, dealing with those ghosts of her past was something Allegra was not prepared to undertake. Not today, anyway.

Severus was right about the tea. The moment she finished the last drop of it, her head cleared, the dizziness stopped and she felt almost normal.

“You’re a genius, Severus,” she said gratefully.

He sat down opposite her, staring intently at her, which made her feel extremely uncomfortable. She was sure she still looked frightful and anyway, she hated being stared at by anyone, especially by a Legilimens such as Severus Snape.

“I believe I deserve an explanation,” he said stiffly.

“What am I, your student or something? How did you know where I was, anyway?”

Severus crossed his legs and scowled. “Well let’s see. After you practically knocked me down the stairs I figured you and Professor Sinistra must have had a disagreement…”

Allegra snorted. “You can say that again.” She rolled her eyes.

“…and that you likely wanted to be alone.”

“So you followed me?”

“I did not. In fact, I take little interest in these little love dramas. I sought only to have a peaceful day on my own. I went to town that afternoon, did some personal shopping, and intended to retire to the Hog’s Head for a quiet drink before returning to school. And there you were in all your drunken glory, in a heap on the floor.”

“On the floor? I fell on the floor?”

Severus nodded.

“Oh my goodness,” she groaned. “Severus, you must know that I never do this. Never!”

“You did yesterday.”

“No, I mean, this is totally out of character for me.”

“You don’t have to justify yourself to me, Allegra. I quite understand why you would do that sort of thing. In fact, I’ve done that sort of thing myself, on more than one occasion.”

“I find that hard to believe. You’re the most controlled person I’ve ever met! You won’t even sit with us in the Staff room if it interferes with your tightly controlled schedule.”

Severus looked a bit offended. “Well excuse me for having my own life and interests,” he snapped.

Allegra blushed. “You’re right, Severus. I’m sorry. I should be thanking you, not giving you the third degree. It’s just…” She knew what was going to happen just then, and as hard as she strove to fight against it, the tears poured down her face. She sniffled loudly as she tried to regain her composure.

Severus rolled his eyes impatiently and handed her a handkerchief. Allegra blew her nose and dried her eyes.

“Thanks. I’m sorry I…I just don’t get it.”

“What?”

“OK, get this. She said I’m the wrong orientation! What does that even mean? How is that possible? I loved her…”

“You did not love her,” Severus corrected her.

“I did!”

“You’ve known Aurora for a grand total of a month. That is not love. Yes, you were infatuated with her, but love is something very different.”

Allegra sat back and blew her nose again. She looked about the gloomy office at all the strange jars of who knew what littering the shelves. She wondered. “How about you?” she asked. “Who was the last person to break your heart?”

“That is not your business.”

“Oh come on! Be fair! Here I am spilling my guts to you. So come on, dish!”

Severus raised his eyebrows. “Dish? I do not dish, Professor.”

“Too many dark secrets?” Allegra asked. She winked slyly.

“Perhaps.”

She shrugged. “I suppose so, I mean, you were friends with Lucius Malfoy.”

Severus laughed at that. “I’d hardly call him a friend. Lucius doesn’t have friends, only associates, cronies, underlings, servants. But no friends. He found me useful and did all he could to exploit me.”

“Sounds familiar,” Allegra replied, in spite of herself. “How did he exploit you?”

“He knew I was precocious in certain areas of magic, areas that he was interested in.”

“Dark magic?”

“Yes. He sought to take what he could from me, by way of spells and so forth, and like the little fool I was, I let him.”

“Why? He was clearly such a slimebag.”

“That may be, but he had certain connections that made it hard for a young boy to say no.”

“Out of fear or temptation?” she asked.

“Both, actually. And how did he exploit you?” Severus asked.

“He didn’t exploit me,” Allegra said defencively.

“You just said his exploitation sounded familiar.” He looked her in the eye.

Allegra grew increasingly ill at ease. She stood up. “I’m sorry, I didn’t notice the time. I really need to get going.”

“You don’t want to discuss it.”

Allegra sighed in frustration. “Look, Severus, I just can’t, OK? Thanks for the rescue mission and for the tea. I’ll see you around.” She moved toward the door, but paused. “Can I sit with you in your dark corner? I don’t think I can be near Aurora for a while.”

For a moment, she thought Severus would smile, but he only grunted a little. “Sure,” he said, sounding reluctant.

“See you.”

“See you.”

* * * * *

CRASH!!!

The glass jar smashed on the floor, sending blue marbles scooting in every direction as the Second Years jumped out of the way! Sean Somersby stood in the centre of the classroom with a sad, guilty look on his rosy face.

“Stand back, Sean,” Allegra said kindly. She pointed her wand at the broken jar. “Reparo!” The smashed pieces came together perfectly, and the entire class, including Sean, burst into applause. “OK, everyone, now let’s get up those marbles. We need them for our next activity!”

At once, the class scrambled around the room, picking up the marbles and placing them carefully back in the jar. Sean stood back and watched, which suited Allegra just fine. Once everything was back to order and the students back in their seats, Allegra levitated the jar over their heads, letting it zip and skid and tilt in different directions, careful not to allow the marbles to fall out. Students looked up, more than a bit worried that t he whole thing would smash down on their heads.

Allegra lectured as she continued to move the jar all over the room, up and down, high and low. “One of the most crucial aspects of mastering defence against the Dark Arts is the ability to control ones mind and emotions in the midst of confrontation.” 

She let the jar whiz past a Gryffindor girl’s ear, missing it by an inch. The girl flinched as the boy next to her let out a yelp.

Allegra continued. “When faced with one of You-Know-Who’s Death Eaters, they’re not going to wait until you’re good and ready before they throw an Unforgiveable at you. You have to be ready to strike, even to anticipate when they might strike at you.”

The jar now dangled precariously over Sean’s head, but then, with a flick of her wand, Allegra made the jar and its contents transfigure into a large rubber ball.

“Now then, wands out please.” Everyone took out their wands, ready to go. “Repeat after me: Consisto!”

All together, the class recited, “Consisto!”

“Very good. The wand movement for this is merely to hold it straight out, directly at your target. The effect of this is to stop an attacker in her tracks. It’s not a banishing charm, and it’s not a stunning hex, but it can buy you some very important time and allow you either to hit them with another spell or, after you learn how, to disapparate.”

The class exploded into excited chatter, that is, until Allegra took the ball and hurled it at a Slytherin girl. In a panic, she ducked, letting the ball hit the wall and ricochet back towards Allegra.

“Consisto!” she shouted, pointing her wand at the ball. Just like that, the ball stopped mid-air, hovering in its spot. She frowned and let the ball bounce to the floor. “I’m not just teaching you this for academics. You must learn to use these spells, on the spot. A Death Eater could attack you when you least expect it. You must remember that!”

After a very long hour, the class finally came to an end. Most of the students could do the spell, but for the most part, they couldn’t do it spontaneously, in a real life situation. Allegra knew she had her work cut out for her. While it felt somewhat tedious at times, it at least kept her from dwelling on her disappointment with Aurora.

Severus helped with that, too, though she never told him that. She knew that would be a bad idea.

Actually, Allegra grew to like that dark little corner in the Staff room, and in fact, she could see why he chose that particular spot. He had a perfect view of the entire room from that place, though that wasn’t what Allegra wanted for herself. That would have meant she would have to look at Aurora, and she wasn’t ready for that yet. She didn’t know if she would ever be ready for that.

Ever since that conversation in Severus’ office, Allegra made sure to keep things as impersonal as possible. She also became more comfortable using less Occlumency around him, as she grew to trust him a little more. She began to see him in a more humane light, once she gave him a chance. Severus remained aloof and evasive as ever, but Allegra saw this in a different light. It was his personality, she decided, that prevented him from being more open. And perhaps she was being too unfair, expecting things from him that he simply couldn’t give her. No one is perfect, she reasoned, and just because he wasn’t telling her his deepest desires didn’t mean he was closed off.

Things were finally looking up for Allegra. The shock of Aurora’s pronouncement had started to wear off a bit, and for the first time in a couple of weeks, Allegra began to see things in a brighter light. She began to walk with a little spring in her step, and she was even heard by some students to whistle in the corridors as she passed by. Her students were great, motivated and cooperative, and she really felt that she was becoming more at home with the material she taught.

And then she made a wrong turn one day and passed the painting of Sir Cadogan, and past that door. She had been lost in a rather happy memory of the lunchtime conversation she had with Severus yesterday—they had disputed the best way to ward off a vampire—and so she wasn’t paying attention to where she was going. And now, there she stood, before that door she had striven to avoid all term long. Allegra wanted to move on, ignore it altogether, move ahead with her positive attitude. But once again, she found herself paralysed at the spot, incapable of the smallest movement. All she could do was stare at the door, unable to breathe.

_He grabbed her roughly by the arm, pulling her into the room, the slammed her against the wall. She hit her head so hard she saw stars. He neared her, drew his face down toward hers…_

Allegra shook her head violently. “No no no NO!” she shrieked. She ran as quickly as she could, past students and teachers, not caring who saw her in this state, not stopping until she reached the safety and privacy of her room. Allegra slammed the door, shut, locked it tightly and dove into her bed, covering herself up with the thick duvet. She lay in bed, shuddering and gasping for breath, pulling the duvet tightly around her body.

“I’ve got to get over this!” she cried to herself. “This has got to stop!”

And then in a horrible moment, someone knocked at the door. Allegra froze, not wanting to see anyone just then. She was far too upset, too embarrassed, too afraid. In desperation, she struggled to push her distress far inside her heart.

The door knocked again, louder this time.

“I’m coming!” she called out. Allegra got out of bed, checked her reflection, straightened her hair and opened the door. “Severus! What are you doing here?” she said, trying to sound casual.

Severus had a look on his face Allegra had never seen before, a mixture of irritation and concern and anger and compassion. She hardly knew what to think, but she knew exactly what he would ask—she didn’t need to use Legilimency to figure out that.

“You do realise you’ve got the entire student body, not to mention the staff asking questions and spreading rumours about your outburst just now,” he said. He sounded almost as if he were lecturing a badly behaved Hufflepuff.

“What are people saying?” she asked, truly wondering what people could possibly be gossiping about her. Was Aurora spreading rumours? Had she told someone about their affair? Allegra bristled at the potential disaster that lay before her.

“Only that you’ve run mad, had a breakdown, that the students have broken your spirit,” Severus said grimly.

“But that’s not true!” she exclaimed. “I love the students! They’re wonderful!”

He glared at her. “Then what is it, Allegra? How many times are you going to run screaming through the corridors, knocking into people? This is the second time you’ve done this!”

“What are you, my father? Who do you think you are?” She knew he was right, of course, but didn’t want to concede.

Severus sat down by the window and looked directly into her eyes. “What is going on with you?”

“I suppose the Headmaster sent you, right?”

“No one sent me. But there is obviously something troubling you, Allegra. Whatever it is, you’ve got to talk about it and get it out of your system!”

“I’m fine, Severus!”

“You’re not fine! Tell me!”

“Forget it! I told you, I’m fine!”

“You are not! Can’t you see I’m trying to help you?”

“I don’t need your help!” she shouted. “Now get out!”

But Severus remained where he was. “It’s about Lucius, isn’t it?”

“What makes you think that?” Allegra asked, now wringing her hands nervously.

“What did he do, Allegra?” Severus asked.

She shook her head. “Severus…”

“What did he do?” he demanded, his tone dangerous.

Allegra sighed. A tear slithered down her cheek, which she brushed away furtively. “He…raped me when I was 14 years old, OK? Satisfied now?”


	6. The Prefect

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Allegra tells Severus her story...

He sat there, stunned by her confession. His face became ashen, his eyes terribly sad. “I’m so sorry, Allegra. I had no idea. Did you ever tell anyone?”

Allegra sat down on her bed and dried her eyes with a handkerchief. “No. You’re the first person I’ve ever told. Even my mum doesn’t know. I know I should have said something, reported the bastard, but at the time I was too afraid. You know the sort of person he is.”

Severus nodded. “Yeah, I know,” he said quietly. “How did it happen?”

“I turned 14 on a Wednesday in April. Since my birthday was on a school day, my friends decided to have a party for me on Saturday. It was a lot of fun, really. Lily and Alice baked a cake, Sirius and Peter decorated the Common Room, and we all had a really great time.”

“So how did Lucius come into the picture, then?”

Allegra wiped away another flood of tears before she continued her story. “James Potter thought it would be fun for all of us to have a game of hide-and-seek, but out of bounds, out of Gryffindor House. We were all up for the idea and so after curfew, we snuck out. We hid and found each other and ran all over the place, and then, I decided to hide over by the picture of Sir Cadogan.”

“By the suit of armour?”

“I thought about getting into the suit of armour, actually, but decided just to crouch down next to it. I was there for a few minutes, and then I heard someone coming. I thought it was James.” Allegra stopped, struggling to catch her breath. She tried to control her shaking hands.

Severus moved over and sat next to her on the bed, but at a safe distance. “You know, you don’t have to go on…”

“No, you were right. I really do need to talk about it. I should have done this a long time ago.” Allegra rubbed her eyes and continued. “Naturally, it wasn’t James, but Lucius. He was a Prefect then, and the worst sort. He threatened to turn me in to the Headmaster and have me expelled. I was terrified! I pleaded with him to let me go, and for a moment I thought he would. But then he took me by the arm and marched me into that classroom. He threw me against the wall, and it was then, just when I looked at his face that I knew exactly what he wanted from me.” She stifled a sob. “Well…you can imagine the rest. The worst part was that he escorted me back to Gryffindor, and then he kissed me like I was his girlfriend or something.”

“What did you say to the others?”

“It was so late when I got back that they were all in bed. I rushed to the bathroom and got sick, and then all I wanted to do was wash him off of me and out of me. I think I was in the shower for two hours, and still, I could feel him on my skin and in my hair and in my mouth. The next day I ate everything I could get my hands on to try and cancel out the taste. Everyone just thought I was stressed.”

“You never told them?”

Allegra shook her head no. She sniffled. “I wanted to, so desperately. I almost told Lily but just when I was going to, I changed my mind. Every effort I took to avoid the subject just messed me up more, and finally, I decided that I could no longer stay at Hogwarts.”

Severus looked mournful. “But why? He was a Seventh Year. He was leaving. You would never have to see him again.”

“Everything in this place reminded me of what happened. I became so disgruntled with everything to do with magic and the wizarding world that I just had to get out of here.”

“Why abandon magic?”

“Because magic couldn’t save me. That was when I started to think more about the muggle world and about what it had to offer. I thought that perhaps I would be better off learning from muggles. I convinced my parents that I wanted to expand my horizons and broaden my interests.”

“Did you?”

Allegra blew her nose. “Yeah, I think I did. And I really liked my muggle prep school. I didn’t have to worry about being a witch for a change. I could just blend in, be one of the girls and not have to look over my shoulder for any more Lucius Malfoys lurking in the dark.”

“It must be hard for you to be back here.”

“I had to come back. I’ve let this whole thing rule every decision I’ve made for the last ten years, and I’m tired of it.”

“Does that include your choice of lovers?”

Allegra scowled. “You mean, do I sleep with women because I’m afraid of men? No, Severus. I’ve been with men, too.”

“So you don’t think you’re making excuses for yourself?” he asked.

“Bisexuality is a real thing, Severus. It’s not made up and it’s not because I can’t decide whether I’m gay or straight.”

“I know it’s real, Allegra. You misunderstand my meaning. I just mean is that your real orientation, or do you just think it is?”

Allegra frowned. “Why do you want to know that?”

“It’s for you to know, not me. If you’re going to happy with anyone you have to know who you are, and if it turns out you’re making excuses…”

But she stopped him. “I get it. Hey, Severus, thanks for sitting with me and listening to all my crap. You’re a real friend.”

He stood up without a reply. Glancing furtively out the window for a moment, he straightened his robes. “Well, I’ll let you get on with it, then,” he said. “And by the way, you do have my confidence.”

Allegra stood up and kissed him on the cheek. “Thanks.”

* * * * *

The next day looked a little brighter, a lot lighter. Allegra awoke from a deep sleep, feeling more rested and relaxed than she had felt in ages, years. And for the first time in a long while, her sleep was not marred by bad dreams or Lucius’ eyes or his breath or the chill on his hands groping her. For once, she dreamed of green fields and crystal lakes…and off in the far distance stood a figure in black, his robes blowing gently in the soft spring breeze.

Lessons went extremely well that day. Even Sean seemed brighter than usual, and took some doing. Her lecture on werewolves seemed to hold the third year students’ interest, and when she quizzed them on the information later in class, everyone scored almost perfectly. 

As she made her way through the day, Allegra found that she couldn’t stop thinking about Severus. She had quite forgotten about her promise to spy on his mind, and instead, had taken a greater interest in merely getting to know him, on his own terms. It seemed odd to her in hindsight that she had shared such a sordid secret with him, but somehow, she knew that he wouldn’t betray her confidence. Allegra had no definite reason why, but she just knew it. Perhaps it was because he held secrets of his own that prevented him. That wasn’t the most honourable reason to keep a secret, but Allegra reckoned it would have to do.

At dinner that evening in the Great Hall, Allegra sat between Flitwick and Severus, something which had become her custom since her falling out with Aurora. Every now and then Allegra would glance over at her, but mostly, she focused all her attention on the two men at her side. Filius Flitwick was one of the most charming, kindest souls Allegra had encountered in a very long while. He never seemed to get angry, something that amazed her. Always being so close to the emotional edge herself, Allegra found it incredible for anyone to be so controlled.

Severus, on the other hand, puzzled her entirely. While she no longer hated him or wished him bloodied and battered for spying on her thoughts, she didn’t exactly like him either. That would have taken the strength of a troll and a heart ten times more compassionate than Flitwick’s to do that. Still, he had this certain quality that made her feel incredibly…safe. In spite of the fact that he was her age, just a few months older than she in fact, there was a strength in him that drew her to him. He seemed grounded in reality, a quality Allegra had to admit she lacked. As unsentimental and almost cold as Severus could be, his criticisms always came from a place of truth. Allegra appreciated that quality.

But it also made her think more about what Aurora had said to her. Was there a truth in her words that Allegra didn’t want to accept? Was she merely using Aurora for some selfish Sapphic purpose? Was she, as Severus suggested, making excuses for herself rather than deal with what Lucius had done to her? That was a thought she did not want to explore, and yet, now that Severus had helped her unburden her mind and heart, perhaps now was the time for her to ask those rough questions of herself.

“You are very pensive tonight,” Severus noted as they ate dinner together.

“I was just thinking about our conversation yesterday,” Allegra admitted.

“Are you alright?” he asked in a low voice so no one could overhear.

Allegra nodded. “Actually, I’m great. You did me a great favour by getting me to get it out. In fact…” She paused, dabbing her mouth with her napkin. “I’d like to talk to you again, if that’s okay with you.”

“You mean about that?”

“Not just. I want to know more of you, Severus. I want to know all about you.”

He scowled briefly, then took a long drink of wine. “I don’t know if I want to be interrogated,” he said dryly.

“You know, I hadn’t thought of it that way,” she laughed. “But now that you mention it, I could bring a bright light and some rope.”

“Save that for your girlfriends,” he said.

She poked him with her elbow. “Perv!” They laughed. “But seriously, Severus, let’s take a walk tomorrow, really talk. You and I need each other, after all. We’re the new kids on the block and we need to support each other.”

“Why tomorrow? Why not later tonight?”

Allegra smiled. “Why not indeed?”

The moon rose low in the sky that night, hanging as if suspended by a hover charm over the castle, splashing the grounds with its cool beams. The air was a little colder now as they headed into October, and as Allegra breathed in the autumn breeze, she could smell the crackled leaves. She sneezed.

“God bless you,” Severus said, handing her a handkerchief.

“Stupid allergies,” she muttered, blowing her nose. “Oh! Look at all the stars tonight!” she exclaimed as they walked down toward the lake. “You know, after I broke up with Aurora, I purposely forgot all the names of the constellations she taught me.”

“Ooo, you really know how to dish out the revenge,” he sneered.

“Well it was either that or not looking at the night sky any more, and I didn’t think I could do that.”

“I suppose not.”

“So what did you do between school and here?” Allegra asked as they strolled casually around the lapping lake.

Severus hesitated. “Lots of things. I worked for friends I knew from school.”

“Doing what?”

“Doing a lot of things. Mostly I was a sort of errand boy for them. It got pretty boring after a while. I decided I needed more in my life than that.”

“I know what you mean,” Allegra said. “So do you like it here?”

Severus shrugged. “I never imagined myself in this role, to be honest. In fact, after I left Hogwarts after my seventh year, I hoped never to come back again. They weren’t happy years for me, I’m afraid.”

“I seem to remember that James and you didn’t get on too well.”

Severus snorted. “That’s the understatement of the bloody year. I think I feel safe in saying that we detested every aspect of each other.”

Allegra noticed that his fists were clenched so hard his knuckles were white. She squeezed his arm and walked on. “But come on, you didn’t hate all Gryffindors, did you? You didn’t hate me, did you?”

“I didn’t know you, though I do remember you. You always managed to be first in line for any class activity, any school activity, any meal, anything at all.”

“I was eager,” Allegra said, laughing. She blushed.

“You were obnoxious.”

“Oh right, and what about you, skulking about in the shadows, scaring the First Years?”

Severus cracked a quick, wicked grin. “I still like to do that.”

“So what else did you do besides play errand boy?”

“I was a pirate.”

Allegra laughed. “You were not!”

“OK, I worked in a muggle grocery store.”

Allegra laughed again.

“No?” Severus said sarcastically.

“No! You idiot!”

“OK, let’s see. Oh, I was a Death Eater, too.”

She smacked his shoulder playfully. “OK, I get it! No more stupid, nosy questions, right?”

Severus smirked. “Right.”


	7. A Mixed Blessing, A Tragic Loss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The affair was sudden, wild, earnest, passionate...but then tragedy...

They walked again the next night. And the next. And the next.

Their conversations never strayed much past the mundane, and yet, Allegra sensed that Severus was finally starting to warm up to her. Without prodding him or nagging him, she could see him say a little more, dig a little deeper into his own heart as they spoke together by the lake.

He was a half-blood, with a witch mother and muggle father. His father, Allegra concluded, did not entirely approve of witchcraft and seemed to resent both his wife and his son for their abilities. Severus’ father, Tobias, drank often and stayed away from home most nights, leaving his wife, Eileen, to raise Severus by herself with very little money and few wizarding contacts. When Tobias was home, he usually complained and sulked and accused Eileen of all sorts of mischief. He rarely spoke to Severus, other than to criticise him.

“My father was not what one would term effusive,” Severus said rather grandly.

“Did he hurt you?”

“Not physically.”

That made her feel sad. “My father was absent a lot, too, of course, it was because of his business dealings. He was always off to some foreign country. I grew up mostly around women, learned most of my magic from them.”

“A girl needs her father.”

“So does a son.”

“True.”

“Do you think about him? Your father, I mean?” Allegra asked.

“Every day.” Severus walked on, ahead of Allegra, his pace quickening. She lingered behind, thinking. The wind danced through her hair, and she reached up to push it out of her eyes.

Severus stopped and turned to face her. “I think you and I are crazy to be here,” he said. “We don’t belong in this place.”

“Are you so sure?”

He laughed. “Look at us! We’re a couple of train-wrecks!”

“Hey! Speak for yourself!” Allegra looked into his eyes, delighting at the rare smile that warmed his gloomy features.

“The day I left here was the happiest of my life, and now I’m back in this hell-hole!”

“But the demons are all gone,” she said. “Yours and mine.”

“Maybe,” he said skeptically.

“Definitely.” Allegra reached out and touched his arm, just for a brief moment.

And then he kissed her. It happened so quickly, so fiercely and passionately that Allegra barely saw it coming. But she didn’t resist him, nor did she push him away. Rather, she let his strong embrace crush her to his chest as he clumsily kissed her lips, her neck, her shoulders. And almost as suddenly as it started, he let go of her and stumbled back, covered with embarrassment.

“I’m…I’m sorry,” he said, gulping to catch his breath. “I’m no good at this.”

“No, it was lovely,” she said, cupping his face in her hands.

He reached up to take them in his. “Your hands are cold,” he said, trying to sound formal and distant. “Let me warm them.” He looked intently at her hands, avoiding her pleading eyes.

Allegra leaned into him and kissed him, slowly, tenderly, running the tip of her tongue along his. They held each other close and warm, and as their kiss continued and intensified, they sank to their knees, then laid back on the soft grasses, finally content to exactly where they were.

* * * * *

She had to think about this, very carefully. Later that night, after she and Severus had gone their separate ways, Allegra lay back on her bed, her mind racing. This was too much, too fast. No sooner had she ended one relationship than she was starting a new one. It wasn’t supposed to happen like this. She was supposed to behave herself this time, not jump headlong into yet another emotional entanglement. And in truth, she was still hurting from the shock of losing Aurora.

Allegra didn’t want to take advantage of Severus like that. He was too hungry, too needy, too fragile. She knew herself too well—no, it just wasn’t right. She would smother him, just like she did to her other lovers until they were sick of her and pushed her away. Why did she do that? Was it some sort of reaction to the rape? Was she so starved for intimacy that she was driven to act like a fool?

However she acted before, Allegra didn’t want to do that this time. Not with Severus. The strange part about it was that she still wasn’t completely sure she really liked him. She liked certain aspects of him—his intellect, his vulnerability, his—but a dark shadow loomed over him that kept her at a far distance. Allegra wasn’t sure whether it was her place or her business invading his privacy like that. All thoughts of using Legilimency on him faded away, now seeming cruel and immature.

The next morning, Allegra sat again between Flitwick and Severus, but few words passed amongst them. Both Allegra and Severus felt a certain pressure not to speak much, lest anyone suspect a connection between them. Their kiss the previous night had become wild, uninhibited, and while they didn’t actually make love, they did many other things in the dark shadows by the lake. And now they sat almost like statues, their hearts burning in solitary silence.

That night, they did more of the same, clawing and scratching at each other, moaning and groaning so loudly they suddenly feared that someone might actually hear them. But they still didn’t make love. What astonished and touched Allegra was that, as sorely tempted as he obviously was, Severus kept his roving hands where they belonged—mostly. That just made him all the more endearing to her, that he didn’t want to seem like another Lucius.

The next night, Allegra put a stop to it before Severus had a chance to kiss her at all.

“Look, Severus,” she said, “we need to slow down, OK?”

He tried to mask his astonishment, but kept a brave face. “OK. If that’s what you want.”

“It’s just that I think we need to talk more. You agree, don’t you?”

“Sure. Sure.”

“I really like you, Severus. I just want to get it right. You understand that, right?”

“Of course.”

Allegra wondered if he was telling the truth. She felt bad, but determined. This had to work. He was too special and extraordinary to let go. And so that night they talked about many things. Allegra told Severus about her trips to France and Italy, about her work at the Ministry and about her first boyfriend, a spotty muggle called Connor. They were only sixteen at the time, and their relationship had been quite sweet and innocent.

In turn, Severus told Allegra about a girl he liked very much when he was just out of school. She was French, from Beauxbatons Academy, and her English was nearly as bad as his French.

“So how did you communicate?” Allegra asked.

He flicked his eyebrows. “How do you think?”

She nodded in understanding. “Ah. I see. Sort of like us.”

“Sort of. She and I did certain things you and I have not, if you know what I mean.”

Allegra knew. Was he hinting at something? She wondered if she should say something, but decided to wait. Perhaps he was just saying it to say it, without any sort of agenda. Allegra didn’t want to push it with him. She smiled and walked on.

“And where did you meet this French tart?” she asked playfully.

“In my pirate days.”

She laughed. “Wait, I thought you were a Death Eater.”

“That was after my piracy career ended.”

“Right. Between your days as a dishwasher and as deputy Minister of Magic!”

It was incredible how much Severus knew about her subject. Of course, Allegra knew of Severus’ reputation, even back in their school days. He was a wizarding prodigy, especially skilled in Defence Against the Dark Arts—and in the Dark Arts themselves, or so people said. The more they talked rather than snogged, the more Allegra learned about Defence. Severus had a way of talking about the Dark Arts that, quite frankly, made Allegra wonder at times. He seemed to have an intimate knowledge of the Dark Arts, and while he knew how to defend himself, he also seemed to know much about how to work dark spells. Not that he ever used them on anyone, but on the other hand, Severus could have if he wanted to. He made that abundantly clear to Allegra from the first day they met as adults. Now that she was so deeply involved with him now, she strove to dismiss this quality and look to other parts of his personality.

For the next several days, the two of them persisted in that state—they taught their students, did their work, graded essays and homework, and every night, talked and kissed and touched and grew closer than Allegra had ever allowed herself to get with anyone in so short a period of time. It was the most interesting, most satisfying relationship she had ever been in. Severus was intelligent, wise beyond his years, tender in his unguarded moments, acerbic and sarcastic in every other moment. He made her laugh, though Allegra was sure that wasn’t always his intention—but how could she not? He was so serious, so impossibly intense. It baffled Allegra to see Severus get through the day with his sanity in tact sometimes. As much as he was ruled by his passions, he was equally restrained, almost repressed. Allegra wished he could come out of himself more.

Saturday morning came bright and early. Allegra had planned to take Severus on a surprise visit to London, to spend that Halloween day shopping and strolling through Hyde Park before they had to return to Hogwarts for the annual Halloween Feast and celebration. As they did every year, many of the teachers planned a full day of special events for the students, including a special sunset ritual for those who were religiously-minded. Allegra remembered attending one such ritual in her first year. It was a lot of chanting, a bit of dancing, some talking and faith sharing, and then an invocation to the sacred elements—she had been through many such rituals at home with her parents, and in fact, Allegra always preferred her mother’s brand of ritual. It was more woman centred, more deeply spiritual than the more generic offerings at school. This year, she opted out of the ritual though she had been invited personally by Madame Pomfrey.

On the other hand, when she went to collect Severus from his room, he was nowhere to be found. He wasn’t in his classroom either, nor did he attend any of the rituals or other events of the day. Disappointed and a little heartbroken, Allegra decided to carry out her plan, and so, headed out accompanied by Madame Hooch. The two witches decided to make a full day of it, hitting all the clothing stores along Diagon Alley before retiring for a light lunch at the Leaky Cauldron. Then, they browsed through Flourish and Blott’s, where Allegra found some fascinating new titles regarding defence. She also found a funny little storybook about a pirate, which she purchased for Severus.

Afterward, they left Diagon Alley and headed to Harrod’s, where Madame Hooch purchased an elegant pair of stiletto heels, and Allegra found a dark green cashmere scarf for Severus and an expensive designer handbag for herself. The salespeople were a bit puzzled by the two women, clad a bit strangely in long, flowing robes, who paid cash for their very expensive purchases. But this was London, and Allegra and Madame Hooch figured that the salespeople had seen much stranger things in their line of work.

“So come on, tell me,” Madame Hooch said as they strolled casually, arm-in-arm, through Hyde Park a few minutes later. “You’re seeing Severus, aren’t you?”

Allegra laughed. “Is it that obvious?”

“Are you kidding? Everyone knows. The Hogwarts rumour mill is notorious!”

“Oh my gods! You can’t be serious.”

“Come on! You know that teachers are the biggest gossips!”

“Well I guess I know now.”

They returned just in time for the start of the feast, but to Allegra’s dismay, Severus was not present, nor, in fact, was Professor Dumbledore. This was very odd. Dumbledore apparently never missed a feast, but according to Aurora, he had been absent from the school the entire day.

“What about Severus?” she asked. “Have you seen him?”

“Sorry,” Aurora replied. “Not a word.”

The feast that night was magnificent nonetheless. The House Elves had really outdone themselves this time, with every sort of the most delectable food imaginable. Everyone, Allegra included, ate and ate and ate until they were so stuffed they could barely move. After the opulent dinner, the tables were vanished, replaced by a miniature Quidditch pitch—the students watched with delight as an all-star Quidditch match took place: Gryffindor-Hufflepuff vs. Slytherin-Ravenclaw, with Madame Hooch officiating. The indoor setting of the match changed the dynamics of the sport immensely, making it all the more thrilling to watch as the players darted in and out and around the columns and rafters high up toward the vaulted ceiling. In the end, Gryffindor-Hufflepuff edged out Slytherin-Ravenclaw by a mere thirty points when the Hufflepuff seeker caught the Snitch at the stroke of midnight.

Everyone went to bed that night, still buzzing from the excitement of the evening. Allegra slept soundly, warm in her very comfortable bed. Thoughts of Severus helped ease her mind, and as she thought of his wild, fierce kiss, she drifted off to dreamy sleep…

…knock knock knock knock knock knock knock…

Allegra stirred. She grunted…

…knock knock knock knock knock knock knock…

“Mmm, OK, I’m coming,” she groaned. It couldn’t already be time to wake up, could it? Allegra glanced at the clock, which read 6:02. She groaned again.

…knock knock knock knock knock knock knock…

“I’m coming!” she shouted, annoyed. “Keep your robes on!”

Allegra stumbled out of bed and threw open the door. Aurora stood at the other side of the door, white-faced, holding a newspaper.

“Have you heard?” she asked, her voice urgent. She came in, opening the newspaper to show a bleary-eyed, slightly miffed Allegra the front page. “Take a look.”

Allegra took the paper from her hand, rubbed her eyes and read. Splashed across the top of the paper was:

**HE WHO MUST NOT BE NAMED IS DEAD!!!**

She gasped. “Oh my gods!” Allegra exclaimed. “How? Who killed him?”

Aurora wiped tears from her face. “Look toward the bottom of the page. It’s about James and Lily.”

“They killed him?”

“Just read it.”

Allegra read:

**A Mixed Blessing, A Tragic Loss  
You-Know-Who Is Dead, But at a Terrible Price**

_By Boris Sardiniov  
Staff Writer_

_GODRIC’S HOLLOW: You-Know-Who is dead, but at a terrible price. Late last night, he arrived at the home of James and Lily Potter, both 22, where he mercilessly killed them both. But, according to sources close to the Potters, when he tried to kill their year-old son, Harry, the boy not only resisted the Killing Curse, but he allegedly caused it to bounce off his little body and hit You-Know-Who himself._

_That the child survived the Curse has sent shockwaves throughout the Wizarding World, and officials with the Ministry of Magic are looking more deeply into the matter. One unnamed official stated, “It’s impossible. It’s a true miracle. Harry Potter has to be the most extraordinary wizard since the days of Godric Gryffindor himself.”_

_Sources close to the Potters say that one Sirius Black, a member of the notorious Black Family, a clan close to You-Know-Who for many years. Black, 22, was allegedly a close friend of James Potter back at school, but according to those close to Potter, had drifted into strange behaviour in recent years…_

“Lily! Oh, poor Lily!” Allegra exclaimed. “And that poor little boy! What will he do now? Who will take care of him?”


	8. Celebrations and Remembrances

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _There was no sign of Severus for the rest of the week. Where was he? Was he ill? It could be. Or did he have family he was visiting? Perhaps his mother was ill—but no, she was dead, or so he told her. Allegra resolved to ask him when he returned from wherever he was. She felt tempted to ask Dumbledore, but on the other hand, she didn’t want to cause trouble for Severus. Perhaps he had a very good reason to be away, perhaps something that only Dumbledore knew about. But that didn’t sound much better to Allegra. What would keep him from Hogwarts for so long, and at such a critical time when he should be celebrating with everyone else?_

The entire staff had assembled in the Staff room for an emergency meeting, headed by Professor Septima Vector, the Arithmancy teacher. Everyone talked eagerly and excitedly at the glorious news that finally, after so many years of hardship and war, He Who Must Not Be Named was dead and gone forever. Flitwick had poured out glasses of champagne for everyone, who toasted the happy news with great enthusiasm.

As relieved as Allegra was about the news, she couldn’t get her mind away from her old friend, Lily and Lily’s young son. She hadn’t seen Lily in many years, but had many fond memories of her. Lily got her through Potions, and Allegra got Lily through Charms. They had a tight little circle of friends, including Alice Bones, Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew. Allegra remembered all those nights in the girls’ dorm when the Gryffindor girls would all sit together, trading stories, sharing nail polish, gossiping about boys and curling each other’s hair.

And now Lily was dead, just like that, and so young. Only 22, just barely out of her teens, a new mother with her entire future ahead of her. Dead. Just like that. It was inconceivable to Allegra that such a tragedy could happen so fast, and to someone like Lily. She was always the one to stop conflicts and fights, and here she was, cut down so coldly, just like that.

Gone was James, with all his laughter and pure joy and daring, his bold spirit and all that promise. Gone. Allegra remembered having a very brief crush on James at the end of their second year at Hogwarts. She liked his mussed hair and his devil may care attitude toward everything. Looking back, Allegra realised how silly it all was, but then again, they were kids, little children playing at magic.

She mourned for Lily and James’ son, Harry.

“Attention everyone!” Vector called out. “Attention please!”

Everyone quieted down.

“As you all know, we have some very good news, that You-Know-Who is dead!”

The entire staff exploded in wild applause and cheering. Flitwick popped open another bottle of champagne and poured it out for everyone.

“As we speak, Professor Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall are on the scene to see to the safe transfer of the Potter child to the remainder of his family.”

Allegra raised her hand. “Will he live with his father’s family or his mother’s?” she asked.

“That is not something I know, Allegra. As far as I know, James was the last of his family. I may be wrong about that, of course. Lily came from a muggle family…”

“Oh dear!” Aurora exclaimed. “Does that mean the boy will be raised as a muggle?”

More murmuring, more whispers and rumours. Vector quieted them down again.

“We will leave the fate of the Potter boy to Professor Dumbledore’s capable hands, everyone. Our job is twofold. One, we must break the news of You-Know-Who’s defeat to the students, and second…” She grinned. “We’ve got to plan one hell of a celebration!”

As the Staff drank champagne and talked about the big news, Allegra took time to search the room for some sign of Severus, but he was nowhere to be found. How could he miss out on such an important moment in wizarding history? Where was he? Come to think on it, she didn’t see him at all yesterday, either. She hoped he was alright, that he wasn’t ill or injured or anything. But no matter. She would catch him up later. In the meantime, the Staff had gone into high gear, making plans for parties, games, and three long, wonderful days of celebration—the wizarding world was free!

The Heads of Houses dashed back to the dorms to wake the students—as McGonagall was gone, the task of waking the Gryffindors fell to Allegra, a job she accepted with eager gratitude. As she dashed to Gryffindor Tower, too many thoughts raced through her mind, joyful, mournful, euphoric. But there was the Fat Lady to get past first. Allegra had no idea what the password was, which proved to be a problem.

“No password, no entry,” the Fat Lady said grimly.

“But you don’t understand!” Allegra protested. “I’m a Gryffindor!”

“No password, no entry, you silly woman!”

“But He Who Must Not Be Named is dead! I have to tell the students! He’s dead!”

The Fat Lady’s face drew a blank. “Is he?”

“Please! You must let me in!”

“Where is Dumbledore?” she asked.

“He’s at the scene, helping the Ministry.”

“I say! Well, then, in you go!”

Allegra dashed up to the girls’ dorm first to rouse the Prefects, then did the same in the boys’ dorm, telling them to send the students to the Great Hall right away.

“Just throw on a robe and hurry! There’s big news! Huge!”

Within minutes, scores of sleepy witches and wizards shuffled down to the Great Hall in various states of dress. Most had thrown on the first thing they could grab, but quite a few were still in pajamas. All the teachers motioned for them to sit at their House tables, which they begrudgingly did.

Professor Vector stood before the students, a jubilant look on her broad face. “Students! I have wonderful news for you!” She held up the copy of the Daily Prophet. “You-Know-Who is dead!”

There was a silent pause, and then murmurs of disbelief, and then, like a typhoon, an explosion of cheering and hooting and applauding. Both students and teachers danced in the aisles, hugging each other, laughing, crying, jumping up and down with glee. The moment was unbelievable, unimaginable—so many had suffered such terrible losses over the last ten years. Family, friends, associates, neighbours had all suffered and died under the terror of He Who Must Not Be Named. Parents, siblings, cousins and friends had been tortured, Crucioed, kidnapped, mangled, horribly murdered. And now it was all over, all the torment and fear. The teachers did not tell the students what actually killed him—or rather, who. Who would have believed that a one year-old baby had silenced the most powerful dark wizard of the modern age? And yet, somehow, that was the truth of the matter.

The next few days passed in a blissful blur of activity and celebration and joy. There were nonstop parties, incredible feasts, and of course, all classes were cancelled until the return of Professor Dumbledore, which didn’t happen until Tuesday night. By then, everyone was entirely sated. They ate, played, laughed and danced all hours of the day, celebrating Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived.

It took a great amount of effort to return to normal classes, and yet, all the teachers and all the students simply had to get back to business as usual by Wednesday morning. Throughout these days, the papers were filled with all sorts of stories and rumours, none fully substantiated. One story that struck Allegra particularly hard was that of the arrest of Sirius Black for the murder not only of his own friend, Peter Pettigrew, but of a dozen muggles. It was so hard to fathom, that Sirius Black could be guilty of anything like that. Sure, his family had its reputation, but Sirius was different. Allegra remembered him to be fun-loving and rambunctious, but not the sort of person to kill anyone.

But the Ministry had proof, or so they said, and it was off to Azkaban with him, without even the benefit of a trial. And there was still no sign of Severus for the rest of the week. Where was he? Was he ill? It could be. Or did he have family he was visiting? Perhaps his mother was ill—but no, she was dead, or so he told her. Allegra resolved to ask him when he returned from wherever he was. She felt tempted to ask Dumbledore, but on the other hand, she didn’t want to cause trouble for Severus. Perhaps he had a very good reason to be away, perhaps something that only Dumbledore knew about. But that didn’t sound much better to Allegra. What would keep him from Hogwarts for so long, and at such a critical time when he should be celebrating with everyone else?

The only thing she could do was to keep to her work and keep an eye open for his return. And in fact, Severus finally did come back, Saturday morning. Allegra sat with Professor Vector at the Staff table in the Great Hall, and in walked Severus, as if he hadn’t been away for even a minute. He casually served himself eggs and toast, then took his seat next to Allegra.

“You look well this morning,” he said formally.

“Where have you been?” she asked.

“Busy,” he replied. He took a bite of his eggs and washed them down with his tea. He unfolded this copy of the Daily Prophet and began to read.

“Busy how?”

“Busy. I do have an existence outside of my profession.”

“I should hope so!” she said, trying not to sound like a nag. “So were you off partying and celebrating?”

“I was busy,” he said, a note of irritation in his voice.

Allegra dropped the subject, but she didn’t stop thinking about it. Busy? What did that mean? Busy doing something for his classes? Busy taking care of a friend or relative? Busy seeing another witch? No, she thought, she didn’t want to be jealous. That would be silly. How could she be jealous? They had only been together a couple of weeks. Jealousy would be uncalled for so early in their relationship. So who was this other witch, Allegra thought?

On the other hand, perhaps he wasn’t cheating at all. Severus didn’t seem the sort to do that. In fact, he didn’t seem the sort to date anyone at all. Period. So if it wasn’t that, what was it? How was he busy? Perhaps he was doing research for Potions. Perhaps he was off finding rare ingredients for his classes. But why do that during the school year? Why take time away from lessons to find these things, unless it was some unheard of herb that only bloomed in early November? Maybe he really was ill. Maybe he was at St. Mungo’s, taking treatment for some sort of ailment. That could be. His skin tone never looked quite healthy, always so pale and sallow. Perhaps he had some condition that made him sick from time to time and required extensive treatment. She hoped not, but then again…

Allegra tried a different tactic the next evening as they took their nightly walk by the lake.

“Severus,” she said, “are you alright? I mean, your health, is it OK?”

“Why shouldn’t it be?”

“Look, if you’ve got some condition, you can tell me.”

“I don’t have any condition. I’m fine. I get the occasional stress headache, but that’s about it.” He narrowed his eyes at her. “You want to know where I’ve been, correct?”

“I’m just worried about you.”

“You could just ask me directly.”

“I did ask, but you wouldn’t say.”

“Then perhaps it’s none of your business,” he stated flatly.

She got his point. Severus grabbed her by the hand and pulled her close. He kissed her roughly on the mouth, then her neck, shoulders. She thought she could feel his teeth against hers—Allegra pulled away sharply.

“Hey, come on!” she said. “What are you doing?”

“Kissing you,” Severus replied, pulling her back.

Allegra didn’t like the look in his eye, and she jerked her arm free from his tight grip. “Stop it, Severus!”

“What is wrong with you?” he growled.

“What’s wrong with you?” she snapped.

“I was just trying to kiss you.”

“Well I don’t like it! You’re scaring me!”

Severus drew back from her, aghast. “Now wait one minute, Allegra! If you think I was going to do what Lucius did to you…”

“No, of course I didn’t! Severus, I didn’t think that at all!” She caressed his shoulders and wrapped her arms around his waist. “I know you’re not like that, Severus.” She kissed his cheek, then his lips.

“I will always protect you, Allegra,” he whispered. “No matter what.”

* * * * *

She missed him. She was with him every day, but she missed him.

Severus had changed. In many respects he was the same, but an essential component was now absent. Severus was never the most open person in the world—in fact, it took a small miracle for Allegra to pry any information remotely personal out of him, but these days, all he seemed willing to discuss with her was school, students, the weather and books. Allegra was accustomed to his silences and his social awkwardness. She understood that he had many reasons, stemming from his youth, to be cautious around others. In a way, that vulnerability was part of his charm, and when she did manage to wrest a nugget of information out of him, it was like a little triumph for her.

She knew he had many secrets, many dark corners of his soul, many hardships that he had suffered in his difficult life. He had been betrayed by many, used and exploited and rejected throughout his youth, and not just by other students. Some days Allegra wanted to know every little thing about him, every sordid detail of his past. Other days, she wanted to know as little as possible, feeling guilty about crossing into waters where she had no right. She wanted him to feel free with her, safe and secure. Just has he wanted to protect her from harm, she wanted to protect him, too.

Where had Severus gone? Would he ever come back?


	9. Invasion of Privacy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Severus was almost entirely inscrutable most of the time. In those pleasant hours when he held her in his arms and kissed her so passionately, she was sure he someone capable of deep, abiding love. And yet, there were his darker moments, too many very black, brooding episodes where he hid himself away in the shadows doing and thinking who knew what. It was those extremes that made him so endearingly human to Allegra—she knew the storms that battered his heart, had weathered similar tempests in her own life. But this emotionless disconnection troubled her. This wasn’t like him._

Days passed, and difficult, troubling questions grew in Allegra’s mind as Severus became even more impersonal and emotionally aloof. It was as if he had almost completely shut down, in the sense that he no longer shared any real part of himself with her. After a couple of weeks of t his, Allegra had enough. No longer could she tolerate this from him. They were deeply involved with each other on so many levels, and she would no longer allow him to shut her out of his troubles. Allegra was determined to get to the bottom of this, no matter what.

Allegra smelled fear in him, but she didn’t know what he was so afraid of. Was it the prospect of commitment that bothered him so much? After all, Severus had lived for years as a lone wolf of sorts, completely self-sufficient, hostile to any intrusions into his cherished privacy. And in truth, was it really any of her business? Was it right for her to be sticking her nose where perhaps it didn’t belong? Was it right for her to pressure Severus to open up to her?

After a long time pondering and turning over the question in her mind, Allegra came to the conclusion that yes, this was the right thing to do. Severus was no mere colleague or just another peer to her. This was a man she had grown to care deeply about—was it love? Allegra wasn’t so sure. She didn’t even know if that was something she wanted. After what happened with Aurora, Allegra had her doubts about any relationship.

Hogwarts changed dramatically in the wake of You-Know-Who’s defeat. Everyone seemed to walk with a little spring in their step, laughed more, told more silly jokes. Even the sun seemed to shine just a little brighter these days, as if Nature herself had emerged from dark exile, pouring out her bounty on the whole world in gratitude and peace. As far as Allegra could tell, nearly everyone at school was overjoyed by the news of the end of the war. There were a very few students who were not so excited—these were children of some very suspicious characters. Allegra supposed they were worried about their parents’ fate, if it was true that they were somehow involved with You-Know-Who. She wondered about Lucius—she heard from a friend that he had married Narcissa Black and they recently had a son, Damon or Daniel or something like that. What would this boy’s fate be, considering who his father was? Allegra felt relieved to be far away from Lucius Malfoy, and hoped he would see the light of wisdom and send his son to Durmstrang.

For the teachers, though, it was a little different. It was almost as if some of them felt guilty about rejoicing too much over the great event. This defeat, after all, came at a terrible price. Not only were James and Lily Potter brutally killed and their son attacked, but Frank and Alice Longbottom had been viciously tortured into complete insanity, leaving their own son to be raised by relatives. So many had suffered and died for this cause, but the deaths of James and Lily were particularly hard to take. The shock was almost too much for Professor Flitwick, who had been very close to both of them when they were students. Aurora, too, was visibly shaken by their deaths, as was Professor Vector.

It was a little different for Allegra. She knew them well, but many years had passed since she had seen any of them—her memories of them were from long ago, before life got to be so complicated. Her greater worry, in fact, was Severus. Allegra would have understood if he had been openly troubled and upset by their deaths. She would have understood if he had expressed sadness or angst—anything at all. But he said nothing, betrayed not a single emotion out of the ordinary. It was unbelievable to Allegra that he could remain so cold toward the entire situation. As the story came out, even students who didn’t know the Potters were visibly upset and brought to tears by the tragic details of the story. Everyone wondered what would become of little Harry, and if he would ever know what he did for the world. But not Severus.

OK, so he was reserved, even repressed—OK, very repressed. Allegra knew that already. She could handle that aspect of his personality. But this was radically different. He was almost…inhuman, more so than ever before. She wanted to ask him about it, but wondered how to pose such a question to someone like Severus: Darling, why aren’t you upset over the deaths of these people you disliked so intensely? Could his dislike of James Potter be so intense that he refused to acknowledge his death? How could not seem to care? It wasn’t right. But again, she struggled with how to approach such a subject. If he was as callous as he seemed, then would she be in some sort of danger if she confronted him? Would he be like a muggle bomb and explode on her?

Allegra finally decided that the best, more reasonable solution to the problem was good old fashioned treachery.

She knew how it felt to be victimised by Legilimency—it was a terrible invasion of privacy, a small, petty act. But that was under normal conditions. If she wanted to gain information about someone and then use it to gossip about them, then the use of Legilimency would be unacceptable and vile. This situation was different, or so Allegra told herself. This was about trying to help Severus, not use him or abuse him.

But she had to wonder how he would react if he knew she was doing this. Would he hate her? And if she found something terrible, would she hate him?

Severus was almost entirely inscrutable most of the time. In those pleasant hours when he held her in his arms and kissed her so passionately, she was sure he someone capable of deep, abiding love. And yet, there were his darker moments, too many very black, brooding episodes where he hid himself away in the shadows doing and thinking who knew what. It was those extremes that made him so endearingly human to Allegra—she knew the storms that battered his heart, had weathered similar tempests in her own life. But this emotionless disconnection troubled her. This wasn’t like him.

Going about it was another thing altogether. It was one thing to plot out Legilimency, but finding the time, and working out how not to be detected was something Allegra had to think about very carefully. If Severus ever cottoned on to what she was doing…well, she didn’t want to know how he would react. She knew it would be very ugly, very bitter. Allegra remembered back to her Ministry days, when she worked in the Law Enforcement office. Her use of Legilimency in those days usually involved underage wizards who didn’t know Occlumency—in normal cases like these, she used it to learn where they lived or where they had been carousing earlier in the evening.

Allegra already knew from experience that Severus Snape was the most accomplished Occlumens she had ever encountered. It made her wonder whether he ever let his defences down. Perhaps she could use Veritaserum on him. But why would she want to do that? She didn’t want to interrogate him. Actually, she didn’t really know what she wanted from him. She felt a thin veil of suspicion and supposed that she wanted some answers.

One thing Allegra knew about Occlumency was that in order to do it well, the Occlumens had to clear their minds and suppress their emotions, two things that made Occlumency challenging to her. She was an adequate Occlumens, but not the best. Severus, on the other hand, was a master, a true genius. Therefore, finding a moment where he might let down his guard seemed almost an impossibility. On the other hand, it seemed foolish not to try.

The other problem Allegra encountered was that, aside from mealtimes or their nightly excursions to the lake, Severus was very hard to find. And as the weather began to turn much colder, they didn’t take as many walks as they had before. On those nights, they would retire to Allegra’s room—never to Severus’—where they sat close and warm by the fire, kissed a little, and talked less. The affection he showed was nice…sort of. Actually, Allegra noticed that Severus had become increasingly intense and frenzied in their more intimate moments together. Gone was that sweet, clumsy kiss he had given to her only a few short weeks ago, replaced by someone she didn’t quite recognise.

Even as she gazed into his black, pleading eyes as they rested in each other’s arms, she searched for anything, the smallest sign of an image she could use or understand. Nothing. Not a blip or a hint of anything at all. His control even when uncontrolled impressed Allegra, but it also made her ask more questions about him. If Severus could compartmentalise his emotions to such an extreme degree, what did that mean about his regard for her? If he could turn his emotions on and off so quickly, then how would she ever really know the truth about him?

* * * * *

November brought rain and more rain and more rain. Everything felt damp and clammy and bitterly cold, in spite of the school furnaces and fireplaces working at full speed all over the castle. Work dominated Allegra’s mind, and the problems of her students took more and more of her time as each day passed. Sean Somersby became the least of her problems, though he still struggled with his studies. He accidentally set fire to a very old portrait of Brynwald the Brave, and when he tried to put it out, he flooded the entire corridor.

One blustery afternoon in late November, a Ravenclaw Sixth Year called Jennie, came to Allegra to talk about a problem—this was something slightly new for Allegra. She knew she could possibly have to involve herself in her students’ private lives, but she hoped to keep that to a minimum. But Jennie was a little different. She was muggle-born, mostly unfamiliar with the wizarding world, even after she started at Hogwarts. Jennie had few friends and spent much of her time in the Library, studying and researching and staying away from most everyone.

“What is it, Jennie?” Allegra asked as she busied herself packing away her books and taking out her supplies for her next class, scheduled to start in about ten minutes.

Jennie hesitated, fiddling with a gold ring on her right hand. “I was wondering if I could ask you something, Professor,” she stammered.

“Sure. Ask away. It’s not about a boy, is it?”

Jennie blushed. “No, not a boy.”

“Then…a…”

“A girl,” Jennie said in a very small voice. “Glynnis O’Suillebhan.”

“Ravenclaw, right?”

“She sleeps next to me, that is, her bed is next to mine in the dorm.”

Allegra nodded. “And you want to know?”

Jennie fiddled with the ring again. “I, uh, I don’t…”

“Does she know you’re interested in her?” Allegra asked, now sitting on the edge of the desk.

“No! And I would never tell her!”

“Why not?”

“Well…” Jennie searched for an answer.

“Well? Listen Jennie, I think what’s important is for you to follow your heart in this. Do you think she might reciprocate? I mean, do you think she might be open to you?”

“I don’t know, Professor. It’s just that I’ve felt this way for such a long time, and I don’t know what to do.”

Allegra pondered. “I’ll be honest with you, Jennie. If you make an open move and she turns you down, you will still have to live with her for another year and a half.”

“That’s the problem! If she’s not…you know…like me, then I don’t know what I’ll do!”

“And you’re sure you are a lesbian?”

Jennie seemed shocked by the question, or at least by the word Allegra used—the L-word. “I don’t know, Professor. I think I am.”

Allegra smiled and patted Jennie on the hand. “It’s a big step, you know, coming to a final conclusion about your orientation. It takes a lot of thought and consideration. Coming out is a major thing, and you have to ready for all the consequences of that, because there are consequences. And you have to be sure that this is really what you are.”

“I know! I wanted to just say I was bisexual so I sort of had an out, you know.”

“You mean you could still allow yourself to date boys?”

Jennie giggled nervously. “Yeah, I guess.”

Allegra scowled. “That’s not exactly the best reason to say you’re bisexual. Jennie, you’re very young still, and I just think you need to be very honest about yourself before you jump into any relationship, whether it be with a boy or a girl. Take it slow and do it right, no matter what your orientation truly is. Do you know what I mean?”

Jennie nodded. “I think so, Professor. Thanks.”

“If you still need to talk, you know you can, any time.”

After Jennie left, Allegra wondered if she had said the right thing to her. Should she have affirmed Jennie, told her what she wanted to hear? But she was so young, so inexperienced in life. Allegra thought about her own struggle with her orientation and how hard it was for her to admit that she was bisexual. At first she felt she had betrayed both lesbians and straight women, and even still, persistent feelings of guilt still haunted her. Severus’ words of caution only added to her uneasiness, though Allegra still felt resolutely that she was indeed bisexual. Could she be fooling herself? Was she too afraid to be a lesbian? Was she too scarred by the rape to be straight? For a long time, Allegra was haunted by those persistent, painful questions.

And yet here she was with a man, falling more deeply in love with him as each day passed. After that first wild kiss by the lakeside, Allegra questioned herself and her motives. She had just been an intense, albeit brief affair with Aurora, and had been spurned so coldly. Allegra berated herself for using Severus as a rebound affair. But that was only at first. She initially thought she could get a little action from him and move on, as she had done with previous lovers. But she didn’t expect to have her heart captured so completely by Severus. There was a powerful magnetism about him, a volcanic energy that emanated from his entire being that drew her in and caused her to forget everything else.

Just as Severus promised to protect her, she determined to do the same for him, no matter what. She had no idea what she was getting herself into.


	10. Legilimency

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Severus threw her a quick, troubled glance and again, she saw it. It was just a flash, but enough to add on to the previous image she had seen in his mind. This time, Allegra saw not only Narcissa Malfoy, but six hooded figures standing in a half circle, bathed in an eerie glow from beneath their feet. Allegra turned away furtively, hoping Severus didn’t catch on._

“Mmmmm...”

Severus ran his hands luxuriously down her back and pulled her close, kissing her again, both of them engulfed in torrents of wild pleasure. There was no place he touched her that didn’t cause intense delight that tingled her spine so blissfully.

“I think we should,” Severus whispered in her ear.

“Let’s not,” Allegra replied. “I want to go slow.” She kissed his throat and nibbled on his earlobe.

Severus smirked. “We haven’t exactly gone very slow. Look at us, our robes half off.”

Allegra sighed and pulled her robes around her bare shoulders. “I know, but sex is entirely different.”

“It’s not like you’ve never had sex before,” Severus said with a laugh.

Allegra’s jaw “Excuse me? What is that supposed to mean?”

“What did I say?”

Allegra could only stare at him in amazement. “You’re kidding me, right? You think that since I’ve shagged twenty people, what’s the diff now? Is that what you mean?”

“That’s not what I meant, Allegra,” Severus said defencively.

“What do you think I am? Do you think I’m some sort of slut or something?”

“I didn’t say that, Allegra. I only meant…”

But she stood up in a huff and went to her dressing table, straightening her robes and brushing her hair angrily. Severus scowled impatiently, then got to his feet, buttoning up his robes and smoothing them over. Looking over at Allegra, he bit his lip, then, hesitatingly, went to her.

He placed his hands on her shoulders. “I’m sorry,” he confessed. “Don’t hate me.” He leaned over and kissed the top of her head.

Allegra threw herself into his arms and cried. “How can I hate you, Severus? I love you!”

Severus responded not with words, but with a tender, burning kiss.

After he left that night, Allegra still wondered about what he had said. She chided herself for making too much of a stupid comment, but on the other hand, it struck a chord with her. Who was she kidding? She hadn’t been with twenty people in the last few years—she’d been with at least twenty-five!

“Oh no!” she cried to herself despondently. “I am a slut! Who am I kidding?” She groaned.

How could she have let herself sink to such a depraved level? Didn’t she care a whit about her own body or soul? What about diseases? Pregnancy? Wasn’t she better than that? Didn’t her parents raise her to respect herself? How could she just throw herself at so many men and women, like a common slag? Allegra brought up the topic with Severus the next night as they sat before the fireplace, this time fully dressed.

“What you said last night,” she began. “It made me really angry. I thought you were way out of line.”

Severus tried to hide his annoyance. “Look, Allegra, it was a stupid comment and I shouldn’t have said it. Isn’t that enough?”

“No, you misunderstand my meaning,” she said, trying to rescue the situation. “It’s just that, well, I think you might have had a point is all.”

“Don’t be so hard on yourself. Your past is your own business. We all make stupid choices in life. It doesn’t mean you’re a terrible person.”

“I don’t really know why I was so reckless about my sexuality. Maybe it was the rape that messed me up more than I realise.”

Severus shrugged. “Maybe.”

“Do you think it’s possible for a person’s whole life to be formed by a single event, Severus?”

“That would depend on the event. If you’re talking about a rape, than yes, I could see that. Rape is a terrible, devastating thing to endure. It’s a form of bullying. No one is ever the same after they’ve been bullied.”

“Like you? I mean, you were bullied, right?”

Severus frowned. “And how did this conversation suddenly become about me?”

“You’re the one who brought up bullying. You can admit it, Severus. I can remember James and Sirius giving you a pretty hard time when we were all at school.”

“That was a long time ago.”

“I know! But still, it must have been hard for you.”

“I was never raped or brutalised as you were. We had a few altercations at school, but for the most part, they never laid their hands on me. I was certainly never bullied into silence as Lucius did to you.”

Allegra rested her chin on her hand. “Why are you so afraid to admit you were hurt by those guys?”

“Excuse me? Afraid? If I am going to be afraid of something, I will choose something far more formidable than those ridiculous children.”

Allegra smirked. “You’re in denial.”

Severus stared into the fire for a short while, saying nothing. Allegra wasn’t sure if she had pushed him too far. She hoped not.

“I’m sorry, Severus,” she finally said, breaking the uncomfortable silence between them. “I shouldn’t put you on the spot like that. Let’s just forget about it.”

As he turned to face her, Allegra looked into his eyes…and it was then that she saw it, very distinctly: a battered old house in the rain, with Narcissa Black leading him by the hand inside. But before she could see any more, he touched his lips to hers—they tasted salty.

* * * * *

MAJOR ARREST BY THE MINISTRY OF MAGIC  
Dangerous Death Eaters captured by a team of top Aurors

By Boris Sardiniov  
Staff Writer

SALISBURY: In the wake of the defeat of He Who Must Not Be Named, the Ministry of Magic has worked tirelessly to bring his followers, the Death Eaters, to justice. The arrest of Sirius Black for the murders of James and Lily Potter was an early victory for the Ministry, but for many frustrating weeks since then, they had little success. All that changed in the late hours of December 2.

After a violent confrontation, a team of elite Aurors, led by Alestor Moody and young Kingsley Shaklebolt, arrested Bellatrix Lestrange, her husband Rabastan Lestrange and Rodolphus Lestrange, along with another, unnamed Death Eater, rumoured to be related to Bartemius Crouch of the Wizengamot. Ministry officials told the Prophet that the Death Eaters fought fiercely before they were arrested. In fact, two Aurors were severely injured in the fight before the Death Eaters were finally overpowered and arrested.

The Ministry is making it a priority to arrest every single Death Eater at large. Investigators in the Law Enforcement office are running background investigations on all individuals suspected of being followers of He Who Must Not Be Named, and they are urging the public to notify them of any suspicious individuals….

“Hey! Did you see this?” Allegra showed the paper Septima Vector.

Septima took the paper from her and took a look. She grinned. “About bloody time,” she said. “I hope they get every one of those bastards.”

“Me, too.”

“I could tell you stories about Bellatrix Lestrange that would curl your hair,” Professor McGonagall said, plunking herself down next to Allegra. She drank a bit of tea and glanced at the paper over Septima’s shoulder.

“Those days must have been interesting,” Allegra said.

“You have no idea.”

“Did she run around with Lucius Malfoy?” Allegra asked.

McGonagall rolled her eyes. “Oh, him. That whole gang was notorious! Bellatrix was a bit older than the others. She and Rabastan were a year ahead of Lucius and Narcissa. The trouble they used to cause!”

“Murder and mayhem?” Allegra quipped.

“Not quite. They were subtle, undetectable, but the trouble they caused was quite serious. The rumour was that they drove one student to suicide.”

“How awful!” Allegra exclaimed. “Who was he?”

“A sweet Hufflepuff boy, Tommy, a Fourth Year. He was the first suicide Hogwarts had in over a century, and when he died, everyone seemed to know that he was bullied and driven to it by Bellatrix and Rabastan.”

“What was done about it?” Allegra asked.

“No conclusive proof was ever made about anything they ever did, but we all knew. No one could prove it, but we knew. So when that poor boy killed himself, well, it was a complete disaster.”

“Well, they’re in jail now, so it’s all good,” Septima said.

“I hope they stay there forever,” McGonagall said. “Horrible people!”

Just then, Severus walked in, laden with a pile of parchments and several phials of purple fluids piled in a wire basket. Allegra laughed.

“Traveling salesman?” she joked.

“I have to review them outside—the smell is positively horrid.”

“Just don’t break one in here!” Septima said.

“Did you hear the news, Severus?” McGonagall asked.

“I have been in my classroom all day long,” he replied, pouring out some tea for himself. He sat across from Allegra, next to Flitwick. McGonagall handed him the newspaper, which Severus read with interest. But as his eyes passed over the entire story, Allegra noticed that he became stark white. His hand shook very slightly, nearly escaping her notice.

“What do you think?” Septima asked. “Isn’t it wonderful?”

“It is a tragedy,” he replied, almost breathless. “The fools!”

“That’s true,” Septima said. “You did know most of them, right?”

Severus nodded briefly, returning his attention to the story. “We were in Slytherin together. How could they be so stupid?” He folded up the paper and handed it back to McGonagall.

“Lucky all Slytherins didn’t go that way,” Allegra said.

Severus threw her a quick, troubled glance and again, she saw it. It was just a flash, but enough to add on to the previous image she had seen in his mind. This time, Allegra saw not only Narcissa Malfoy, but six hooded figures standing in a half circle, bathed in an eerie glow from beneath their feet. Allegra turned away furtively, hoping Severus didn’t catch on.

“Anyway, it’s just a matter of time before the rest are rounded up at last,” McGonagall said. She stood up and vanished her teacup to the kitchens. “See you all at dinner.”

The other teachers followed suit, vanishing their dishes and making their way from the Staff room to their next lesson. Only Allegra and Severus remained. Allegra tried to discern his mood just then, but as usual, Severus was nearly impossible to figure out. He sat in his chair, staring into his empty teacup as if he were attempting to read his tea leaves.

“Are you alright?” Allegra finally asked. “You look a bit ill.”

Severus stood up and grabbed the basket of phials. “I’m fine. Well, I’ve got to see to these. Shall I bring champagne to your room tonight?”

She smiled. “What’s the occasion?”

“Victory.”

* * * * *

She almost forgot her promise to herself that night as she reclined in Severus’ arms. Her head was dizzy from too much champagne and her body was on fire from his caresses and kisses. It felt good just to lean back against the cushions, feeling the warmth from the hearth blanket them. Allegra yawned and stretched. She laughed.

“You know what Sean Somersby did today?” she asked.

“Set fire to his hair?”

She laughed again. “He finally got an E on an assignment!”

“Now THAT is a true miracle. I suppose you Imperiused him and fed him the answers?”

“No! I think he must have just studied for once. It was a little triumph!”

“He made a potion the other day that made nearly everyone in the class have to run to the loo to be sick. By the time I vanished the mess, I was nearly sick myself.”

Allegra laughed. “I suppose he got a D on that one?”

Severus raised an eyebrow. “A T, actually. Dreadful would have been too generous. Honestly, I don’t know why that mudblood is here at all!”

“Whoa! Did you just call him a…”

“I just mean he’s a simpleton. He has no business doing magic. He’s a disaster waiting to happen! Surely you know that, Allegra.”

“That’s no reason to call him a dirty name.”

Severus groaned impatiently. “Oh come on, don’t get politically correct on me, Allegra. You haven’t the style.”

“You are such a bloody snob sometimes! I mean, look at you, Severus. It’s not like you’re pureblooded or anything. Who are you to judge Sean?”

“I’m not judging him! Look, I take it back, OK? Satisfied?”

And then, it happened again. Allegra glanced into Severus’ angry eyes, seeing new things, ugly things, a montage of dark figures and lit torches and then, a graveyard. What was he doing in a graveyard with a bunch of people in hoods and dark robes? And why was Narcissa Malfoy still in the picture? Wasn’t she too old for him?

Severus looked askance at her. “What are you staring at?” he asked.

Allegra smiled faintly. “I’m just trying to figure you out.” She caressed his cheek with her fingertips and kissed him.

“Don’t try too hard,” he whispered. “I might disappoint you.”

“That’s impossible,” she replied. “You’re the most fascinating person I’ve ever met.”

That Saturday, Allegra took a solitary trip into Hogsmeade, eager to get away from the castle for a day and just be by herself for a change. Work was intense and stressful, and her affair with Severus threatened to careen out of control. She barely trusted herself around Severus any more, wanting more and more to break that promise she had made to herself to behave and not do anything reckless. Allegra sensed a wild danger with him that made her at once slightly afraid and incredibly engrossed by every corner of his persona. It was that little frisson of delight she felt in his presence that overpowered any doubt or fear she might have had about him, and she quickly found that she couldn’t get enough of him.

Thus the need to get far away, if only for a few hours. She needed to think about everything and feel sure of her choices. She needed to decipher the ghostly figures she saw in his mind. More than anything, Allegra had to determine the risk of taking the next step in this adventure with Severus Snape.


	11. Once a Slytherin, Always a Slytherin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _The shopkeeper chuckled. “Gryffindors mixing with Slytherins? Dangerous business, young lady. You’re better off keeping clear of the whole lot of ‘em, if you want my opinion.”_
> 
> _Allegra really didn’t want her opinion, but of course she didn’t say that in so many words._
> 
> _“He’s not like that,” she said defencively. But then she wondered why she needed to defend herself against a total stranger. What did it matter if the shopkeeper disapproved?_
> 
> _“Rubbish, miss. They’re all like that. You mark my words, he’ll be connected to those Death Eaters in one way or another.”_
> 
> _“He’s no Death Eater!” Now she was feeling offended by this person. What did this lady know? Who did she think she was?_
> 
> _“Doesn’t mean he’s not sympathetic to You-Know-Who.” She handed the finished package to Allegra, then patted her hand in a motherly fashion. “You just watch yourself, miss. Keep an eye on him. Once a Slytherin, always a Slytherin.”_

A fresh blanket of snow had fallen during the night, making the landscape around Hogwarts sparkle like glittering diamonds. The sun shone brightly overhead, making the air light and crisp and lovely that morning as Allegra made her way toward Hogsmeade. She didn’t feel like apparating that day, and so, she walked at a casual pace, breathing in the air as she looked all around at snow-covered trees and shrubs. She smiled.

This was the perfect day to go into town, since the students’ Hogsmeade day was the following week. That meant that the shops would be relatively quiet, which was exactly how Allegra liked it. Big crowds always made her uneasy, especially when she felt stressed or upset. She looked forward to clearing her mind of trouble and just enjoying her day.

Allegra’s first stop was Gladrags, to look at robes and shoes. At first she was just browsing, but then she spotted a set of robes she had seen in Witch Weekly last month. They were a rich shade of crimson, lined in gold silk. To her delight, they also had her size. Allegra figured that if she was going to the trouble of buying robes, she ought to buy some shoes to go with it. And a handbag, of course. And a witch hat. And some accessories to complete the look. By the time she was done, Allegra had bought not only the crimson robes, but robes in blue and grey tweed, too, for wintertime, plus four pairs of shoes, two hats—one crimson and one blue—a necklace and three bracelets.

That felt divine, she thought, making her way to Giselle’s, the little salon behind Madame Puddifoot’s. There, Allegra got her hair highlighted and styled, and got her nails done—she made sure to get a pedicure, too. It had been a long time since she had a good pedicure. That was one of her favourite little pleasures. By the time she was done with all that, it was lunchtime, so she retired with her packages to the teashop next door for a sandwich—tuna and cucumber and tomato—and a cup of hot Earl Grey tea. She ate and drank slowly, savouring every bite of her lunch and delighting in the quiet calm of the sweet little shop.

After lunch, Allegra went to Scrivenshaft’s to buy an elegant eagle quill and imported indigo ink for Severus, and some parchment for herself. She had the shopkeeper wrap the gift for Severus in elegant green paper, tied with a silver ribbon.

“He’s a Slytherin, is he?” the shopkeeper asked as she put the final touches on the present.

“Yeah, he was.”

“You, too?”

“No. I was in Gryffindor.”

The shopkeeper chuckled. “Gryffindors mixing with Slytherins? Dangerous business, young lady. You’re better off keeping clear of the whole lot of ‘em, if you want my opinion.”

Allegra really didn’t want her opinion, but of course she didn’t say that in so many words.

“He’s not like that,” she said defencively. But then she wondered why she needed to defend herself against a total stranger. What did it matter if the shopkeeper disapproved?

“Rubbish, miss. They’re all like that. You mark my words, he’ll be connected to those Death Eaters in one way or another.”

“He’s no Death Eater!” Now she was feeling offended by this person. What did this lady know? Who did she think she was?

“Doesn’t mean he’s not sympathetic to You-Know-Who.” She handed the finished package to Allegra, then patted her hand in a motherly fashion. “You just watch yourself, miss. Keep an eye on him. Once a Slytherin, always a Slytherin.”

Allegra scowled. She gathered up her purchases and headed out of the store, now in a hurry to get to Honeyduke’s to buy some chocolate truffles for Severus and some Bertie Bott’s beans for her students. Nothing mattered more than getting far away from that awful shopkeeper. She looked quickly behind her, and the next thing she knew, she slammed right into…Aurora.

“Oh my goodness!” Allegra exclaimed. “I’m so sorry!”

Aurora bent down to pick up the package she dropped, just as Allegra reached down for the very same reason. Their hands met briefly, and they both pulled rapidly away. Aurora grabbed the package and stood up abruptly.

“No, it was my fault,” Aurora said furtively. “I should have been paying better attention.”

Allegra wasn’t sure what to say. She had spent so many weeks carefully avoiding any close contact with Aurora, but now it would be ridiculous not to say something, even casual.

“Looks like you and I are doing the same thing. Shopping our brains out,” Allegra said awkwardly.

“Yeah.” Aurora searched for something to say in the uncomfortable silence. “How are you?”

“I’m good. I’m good. You?”

“Fine. Busy. Work and all.”

“Sure. Students.” She shifted on her feet nervously.

Aurora nodded. She bit her lip. “Allegra,” she started, “I…I’ve thought about you a lot these days. I…I’m sorry…about what happened…I…”

Allegra reached out and touched Aurora on the shoulder. “It’s OK. Really. It was weeks ago. I’m fine.”

“I know you’ve moved on. Severus, right?”

That came as a surprise. Allegra thought their relationship was a secret. “How did you know?”

Aurora laughed. “It’s pretty obvious. I’ve seen how the two of you look at each other, how you sneak off together every night. Don’t worry, though. I won’t out you or anything.”

Allegra puzzled at that. “Are there rules about fraternization here?”

“You wouldn’t think so, but yeah, there are, actually. It’s one of those old-fashioned rules they stick to so slavishly, though a lot of people break it. It’s the board of governors that really enforces the rule, not Albus. He couldn’t care less who sleeps with whom, but they’re pretty tough on that rule.”

Allegra blushed. “So you and weren’t the first?”

“Are you kidding? We weren’t even the first lesbian couple! Back…oh, let’s see…about a hundred-forty years ago, there were two women who had a famously torrid affair that was so scandalous at the time that the Ministry considered a law about homosexuality!”

“You’re joking!”

“No, I’m serious! Anyway, there have been plenty of teachers in the past who have hooked up here, I mean, how can they not? Most of us are single, and frankly, there’s nothing else to do!”

Allegra laughed. “Other than a lot of reading under the watchful eye of Irma Pince.”

Aurora suddenly frowned. “Listen, Allegra, about Severus,” she said quietly. “You do know he’s got a very dark past, don’t you?”

“I know he’s had some troubled times,” Allegra replied coolly.

“You know he’s rumoured to have been a Death Eater,” Aurora whispered forebodingly.

Allegra laughed haughtily. “Oh come on! Please! Do you think Professor Dumbledore would hire a Death Eater?”

“I’m just telling you the rumours about him. Surely you heard about him when you worked at the Ministry?”

“I wasn’t so high up to hear about anyone dangerous,” Allegra said dismissively. “Just hooligans and petty thieves.”

“Well I just thought you should know. I don’t want to see you get hurt or anything.” Aurora sighed. “Look, I feel really bad about how I treated you. I was completely out of line.”

Allegra nodded. In truth, this was the very last thing she wanted to hear from Aurora. “You were. But really, it’s in the past. I’m OK. I was really hurt for a while, but that’s all over now. I’m fine, really.”

“It’s just that I think you should be careful.”

“With Severus?”

“I’m only telling you this because I care about you, Allegra.”

What did that mean? What was she playing at, after everything she had put Allegra through? “So you’re saying what?”

Together, they walked a little way, out of sight from the main street. Allegra wasn’t so sure she should be doing this, going off with Aurora so secretly, and on a day she wanted to reserve for herself. But there she was, behind the Three Broomsticks, wondering what Aurora would say next.

“It’s just that I miss you,” Aurora said quietly.

“You made that choice, Aurora.”

“I know, I know. It was stupid. I didn’t see you for what you are, Allegra, and I truly regret that.”

Allegra wasn’t sure what Aurora might suggest next, so she thought she needed to rescue the moment. “Look, you need to know that I’m very deeply involved with…”

“I know you are, and I’m happy for you, that you’re in love. I just hope he deserves you.”

But then, Aurora did something entirely unexpected. She drew closer to Allegra, tracing the line of her cheek with her fingertips, and then, Aurora leaned forward and kissed Allegra gently on the lips. Allegra lingered within the space of that kiss for a moment, but then drew away sharply.

“What was that for?” she asked, barely knowing what to say.

“It’s just a reminder.”

“Of what?”

But Aurora didn’t reply. She smiled at Allegra and sauntered back toward the main street, leaving a confused Allegra to wonder what she meant.

* * * * *

What did Aurora know that Allegra didn’t? What exactly was this dark past that she seemed to know so much about? Allegra felt tempted to ask Aurora, but after that kiss, she was reluctant to be alone with her any more. In truth, that brief little kiss sent a secret thrill through Allegra’s heart, in a way that was different from the way she felt with Severus. With him, it was all fire and intense passion, but with Aurora, it was more like smooth magic that tingled her skin.

But no matter. It was all over, and that was that. When Allegra returned to the castle later that afternoon, she rushed straight to her room and put away her new things, and then, with the quill and chocolates in hand, headed for Severus’ room.

No answer.

Allegra knocked again. “Severus?” she called.

No answer.

Allegra knocked a third time, but once again, there was no answer from the other side of the door. He couldn’t be missing again, could he? The gifts would have to wait. A bit dejected, Allegra trudged back to her room and put the gifts away. She would give them to him during his visit tonight.

But there was no visit. Not that night, nor the next. Once again, there was no sign of Severus, for four solid days. Allegra couldn’t believe it. It seemed so strange to her—the last time he disappeared on her was right after You-Know-Who was defeated, and now again, when so many Death Eaters were arrested.

Aurora’s words came back to her, bitterly now. You know he’s rumoured to have been a Death Eater. It was too horrible to think about. If Severus were a Death Eater…no. Allegra refused to believe it. That would make him…a monster.

But if he really were a Death Eater, why would he be here? What would he want teaching Potions to a bunch of unqualified witches and wizards? Where was the evil benefit? No, Aurora was way off on this one. You know he’s rumoured to have been a Death Eater. A Death Eater. Severus.

Allegra shook her head, as if to clear an unwelcome black fog from her worried mind. Surely she was making terrible assumptions about him, and based on nothing more than a coincidental pair of absences. A silly, stupid coincidence!

But what a coincidence. What a tragedy! No! This was ridiculous! He was not a Death Eater, period. There was no room for argument on this one. Wasn’t he caring and loving towards her? In his own, funny way he was. And hadn’t he sworn to protect her, no matter what? Would a Death Eater do that? Of course he wouldn’t! Death Eaters had no conscience, no sense of empathy towards others, no compunction or scruple whatsoever.

That was not her Severus. OK, he was rough around the edges, aloof and moody, and yes, had a dark past. But so did she. He had a less than ideal reputation, but so did she. So who was she to judge? Who was anyone to judge him? What did they have that made them so superior? Who the hell did they think they were?

Then again, Allegra couldn’t get past those visions she saw in his head—the dark house, the robed figures, Narcissa Malfoy, the ghastly aura all around them. If Severus weren’t a Death Eater, why would he have such images in his mind? From where would they have originated?

You know he’s rumoured to have been a Death Eater.

What was it he said? I worked for friends I knew from school. Mostly I was a sort of errand boy for them. Work? What work? And which friends was he talking about? Narcissa Malfoy? Those hooded figures? If so, what sort of friends were they? And what errands did he run for them?

I was a pirate…Oh, I was a Death Eater, too.

Oh gods.

He wasn’t kidding. How could she have been so blind, so foolish? Allegra groaned. It couldn’t be! Not him! She cared so much about Severus, and she was certain he cared about her. Allegra couldn’t go on like this. She had to know for sure about this, once and for all, rather than jumping to potentially unfair conclusions about him. So many people had abandoned him and made terrible assumptions about Severus—Allegra didn’t want to sink to that level. Therefore, she determined to get to the truth about this, no matter the cost. Even if she had to confront him personally, suffer his wrath, Allegra would not rest until she knew the entire story.


	12. Truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _That night, they took a long walk in the snow, along the icy shores of the Black Lake. He held her hand in his as they strolled along, wondering at the delicate snowflakes as they wafted through the air, landing on their shoulders, their hair, on Allegra’s outstretched tongue. Severus turned and kissed her deeply, pressing her close and warm to his body. They stayed like that for a long time, lingering in the soft light of the moon._
> 
> _How to bring up such a question?_
> 
> _Could she just come right out and ask him, “Severus, are you a Death Eater?”_

The Christmas holiday rapidly approached at Hogwarts, and the weather turned even colder and snowier. Gone was the sunshine, replaced by grey clouds and a pervasive gloom. Allegra supposed that this gloom emanated from her own melancholy. As much as she was delighted and challenged by her students, her angst over Severus dominated her mind and heart. To her horror, even Severus took note of her low spirits.

That night, they took a long walk in the snow, along the icy shores of the Black Lake. He held her hand in his as they strolled along, wondering at the delicate snowflakes as they wafted through the air, landing on their shoulders, their hair, on Allegra’s outstretched tongue. Severus turned and kissed her deeply, pressing her close and warm to his body. They stayed like that for a long time, lingering in the soft light of the moon.

How to bring up such a question?

Could she just come right out and ask him, “Severus, are you a Death Eater?”

No.

Not a good idea, especially if he really was a Death Eater.

There were few alternatives, though. She could continue as she was, trying to invade his mind through Legilimency. On the other hand, they would be separating for the holiday—shouldn’t she learn as much as she could now, before he went off to some dark corner of the Wizarding World? On the other hand, what was the rush? It was only for a couple of weeks—what harm could he do? On the other hand, if he did intend to do harm in the name of You-Know-Who, then wasn’t it up to Allegra to put a stop to it? She had been at the Ministry long enough to know immanent danger when she detected it. On the other hand, could she be so sure that Severus posed an immanent danger to anyone?

She decided to pose the question, in an academic way, to her Seventh Year class, just to see how they might address the situation. Allegra asked them to put their wands and quills away for the present and to consider a real-life conundrum.

“Now let us suppose that you are an Auror, and have therefore dedicated your professional life to bringing dark wizards to justice. But then, you discover that someone very close to you, a friend or loved one, might be a dark wizard, even a Death Eater.”

A Slytherin boy, Anthony Kruse, raised his hand. “Haven’t they all been captured, Professor?”

“Actually,” Allegra replied, “I’m not so sure about that. Many are in Azkaban, but many either disappeared or confessed or said they were Imperiused. So here you are, caught up in this dilemma. How do you resolve it?”

Again, Anthony raised his hand. “I would use Veritaserum.”

“Veritaserum is a banned substance unless you are using it in an official capacity,” said Bridget Ramsey, a Gryffindor with very short blonde curly hair.

“But I am a Ministry official,” Anthony replied. “In the story, anyway.”

“But you’d have to arrest the person and bring them in to use it legally,” Bridget said.

“Actually, Veritaserum might not be the best plan in the world,” Allegra conceded. “It’s not exactly a subtle way of getting information. What else?”

More hands went up.

“You could be a spy on them,” suggested Allison Bones, a lovely, redheaded Hufflepuff girl. “Sneak about, maybe use an invisibility spell so they don’t know you’re there.”

“That’s not bad,” Allegra said, “but it would be time consuming. What about your job?”

“Oh yeah,” Allison said, now frowning.

“Professor,” Dylan McLaggen, a very tall Gryffindor, piped up, “you could talk to other people the loved one knows. The people she’s closest to.”

“Why not just ask her directly?” asked Anthony.

“Because that’s too blunt,” Dylan said. “You can’t just ask someone that. What if they really are a Death Eater?”

“Good question,” Allegra said. “So if we don’t use direct confrontation, what do we use?”

“Well, if they’re not under suspicion by the Ministry, is there really anything that can be done?” Allison asked. “I mean, isn’t it unfair to turn someone into a criminal just because they seem suspicious?”

“But what if they’ve done something terrible?” Dylan asked. “What if they’ve killed people?”

“Wouldn’t the Ministry know that?” Anthony asked.

“Not necessarily,” Allegra pointed out. “Many dark wizards and even Death Eaters operate in secret, and for a good reason—they don’t want to get caught.”

Allison raised her hand again. “Well, if the information about the friend is a rumour, then maybe you could go to the source of the rumour, to the person who started it or someone who spread it.”

Allegra nodded. She liked that idea, except for one important detail. Going to the source of the rumour about Severus necessitated speaking to Aurora, alone. Allegra wasn’t so sure she was ready for that, especially after that kiss in Hogsmeade. Still, Allison’s idea was the one that made the most sense. Allegra would just have to be a big girl and get this done.

After class, Allegra went to lunch in the Great Hall, where she sat between Severus and Flitwick, as usual. Aurora sat with Septima Vector, but from time to time glanced over at Allegra, who was also glancing over from time to time at Aurora. Allegra had a sneaking suspicion she was giving Aurora the wrong idea, but her determination to get information on Severus kept her focused on her task.

When lunch was finished, Allegra got up and headed out of the Great Hall, taking care to pass behind Aurora. Sure enough, Aurora followed Allegra out at a safe distance, catching up with her in the Entrance Hall.

“Slow down!” Aurora called out.

“Hey,” Allegra said, trying to sound casual. “Say, could we talk later today, after class?”

“Sure. Come by my classroom.”

That would be a bad idea. Aurora would show her the sky again, and Allegra would likely find herself in an uncomfortable situation.

“Maybe we could go outside or something,” Allegra suggested.

“In the snow? Come on, my room is nice and heated. I’ll make tea.”

“Look…well…” Allegra sighed. “Alright. I’ll come. Half past four?”

“I’ll have the tea ready for you.”

Not only was the tea ready, but the lights were dimmed and the sky was ablaze with scads of beautiful stars, set dramatically against the black of night. Allegra gulped nervously as she entered the room. Was that soft music in the background? All Allegra could do was to be as professional and businesslike as possible.

“What is all this?” she asked as she set her books down on a desk near the door and came into the centre of the room.

“Sit down,” Aurora said, pouring out two cups of fresh tea. “I’ll be with you in a sec.”

“I don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t have to say a word.” Aurora sat down on the floor next to Allegra and handed her the tea. “Just look up at the stars.”

Allegra moved to take a sip of tea, but abruptly set her cup on the floor. “Look, Aurora, I think you’ve got the wrong idea,” Allegra said. “I’m not here to…” But she stopped, seeing the frown deepen on Aurora’s face. Allegra sensed trouble.

Aurora sat back and sighed dramatically. “What do you want?” she demanded, a strong note of impatience in her voice.

Allegra felt so callous all of a sudden, so overly cold and inappropriately businesslike. “Actually, I wanted to talk about something you said to me not too long ago.”

“Look, if it’s about what went on behind the Three Broomsticks…”

“No, it’s not that. Well, not entirely. You said something about…well…about Severus that caught my attention.”

Aurora looked livid. “This is about SEVERUS? Are you kidding me?”

“Well what did you think?”

“I thought you wanted to talk about us.”

“Us? There is no us, Aurora. You made that abundantly clear in September. One kiss doesn’t change that. Look, can we not talk about that? I need…”

“You need what?” Aurora asked, even more irritated.

“You said there were rumours about Severus, that he might be a Death Eater.”

Aurora laughed. “That? Forget about that.”

“Forget about it? What if it’s true?”

Aurora shrugged. “Then there’s not a damn thing you can do about it.”

“Then why mention it at all if it’s probably not true?”

“I didn’t say it’s not true.”

By then, Allegra’s head was spinning. More than anything she wanted to get out of that room, but she also wanted answers. As far as she knew, Aurora was the only one who seemed to have any answers about Severus.”

“Where did these rumours about Severus come from?” she asked, trying to calm the situation down.

But Aurora only scowled. “And why should I want to tell you anything?” she said coldly.

“You’re being childish, Aurora!”

“Severus is my colleague! Why should I want to sell him out? He’s a good teacher, and though he’s a bit strange and way too greasy, he’s done me no harm. Why should I want to spread more gossip about him?”

“You already did!”

“I was trying to be a friend to you, before you got too involved with someone like Severus.”

Allegra crinkled her brow, utterly confused. “You just said you liked him.”

“I did not say that. I said I admire his talents. In fact, I don’t like him at all.” She stood up. “I need to ask you to leave now.”

Allegra felt a heavy chill weigh her down. Without a further word or a look at Aurora, Allegra stood up, straightened her robes and strode out of the room, making her way back to her classroom. As she passed through the crowded corridors, all she could do was wonder what had just happened. Clearly, she had lost her chance to learn anything from Aurora, but that wasn’t what worried Allegra as much. Her greatest concern at this point was that she had suddenly created an enemy. That was the last thing she ever wanted, especially from someone like Aurora.

She felt like a heel. How could she have been so insensitive? It was so obvious that Aurora was interested in reigniting their relationship, in spite of Allegra’s involvement with Severus. The starry sky, the private invitation, the tea and light refreshments, and of course that kiss, all blatant signs of Aurora’s intentions. And how did Allegra respond? With impersonal questions, as if she were still a Ministry official or something! No wonder Aurora was so offended. How could she not have been?

But Allegra sensed that fixing the problem was easier said than done. Aurora’s deliberately confusing and overly logical response was a typical ploy Allegra had seen in the past—a lover feels spurned, and so she turns off her emotions and starts to play silly rhetorical games, as if they were debating each other at a public venue. Aurora could say her peace in total safety, all Allegra could do was feel worse and worse.

The other problem was that any attempt to fix their argument could be misconstrued in two ways, equally distasteful. The first interpretation was that Allegra’s attempt to reconcile was a hollow and cynical attempt to salve her own battered conscience, rather than to make Aurora feel better. The other interpretation was that Allegra really did want to get back with Aurora but was too proud or too embarrassed or whatever to admit it. The main problem with this interpretation was that Allegra did not want to get back with Aurora.

Time heals all wounds, right?

In the meantime, Allegra had to prepare herself for the confrontation of a lifetime. She kept telling herself to let it drop. Aurora made a good point after all, that if he really were a Death Eater, there was nothing she could do about it. Allegra felt tempted to go to Professor Dumbledore about the problem and get some advice and wisdom from him. Then again, she thought of the other thing Aurora said—why should she rat him out if was a good teacher and wasn’t doing anyone harm?

In the end, Allegra decided to let the issue sit for a while. She was too worked up about it, and she knew she needed to think very clearly about how to handle the situation. Then, should come back from the holiday, rested and ready to tackle the problem anew. Yes, that’s exactly what she would do.

The night before the school broke for the Christmas holiday, Severus came once again to Allegra’s room. Like always, she let him light the fire in the hearth while she poured out glasses of wine for the two of them. She also rescued the gifts and set them before him as he reclined on the thick rug, propped up against piles of red and gold cushions. His face glowed curiously in the firelight as he started deeply into the crackling flames. Allegra handed him his glass and settled next to him, wrapped in his arms.

“Well, aren’t you going to open it?” she asked, indicating the packages. “It’s nothing fancy, but I think you’ll like it a lot.”

“Whatever’s in there won’t match what you’ve already given me,” he murmured. He took a long drink from his glass.

That was an odd, uncharacteristically sentimental statement to come from the likes of him. “What’s going on, Severus?” she asked. “Where are you?”

“I’m here, always.” He reached out his hand and touched his long fingers to her heart.

A tear rolled down Allegra’s cheek as she took his hand in hers and kissed it tenderly. She kissed his cheeks, his lips, his neck and shoulders, feeling his pounding heartbeat against her. His breath quickened as she unbuttoned the top of his robes and continued to cover his chest with butterfly kisses as he ran his hands through her hair. Severus pulled her up to him and met her lips with his own.

And then, he stopped. His arms fell to his sides, and he sat back, now fumbling to rebutton his clothes.

“What’s wrong?” Allegra said, trying to catch her breath.

Severus stared back into the fire, not talking for a moment. “I know what you’ve been doing,” he said quietly.

“Wh…what? What do you mean?”

He looked at her with a gaze mixed with pain and sympathy. “I know that you’ve been trying to use Legilimency on me for the last several weeks.”

Allegra’s blood ran cold.


	13. Severus' Story

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“I swore that I would always protect you, remember? Knowing my full past would jeopardize you in more ways than one. Your safety is in your ignorance.”_
> 
> _“Then forget the past, Severus. Move on, if it truly is the past. But if it’s troubling you so much, then tell me. I love you.”_
> 
> _“That might not be enough.”_
> 
> _Allegra poured more wine for both of them. “You said you wanted to talk, so talk.”_

“I…I…” Allegra stammered. How could he know? This was a complete disaster! Her mouth went dry.

“I know when someone is trying to use Legilimency on me, Allegra. I may be young, but I’m not a fool.”

“Severus, you have to know that I never meant to spy on you or do any harm to you. I swear it!” Allegra’s voice shook terribly as she spoke. Her heart pounded so fast she could barely breathe.

He nodded. “I know.”

“It’s just that I was so worried and…”

But he put up a hand to stop her. “I don’t need an explanation, Allegra. Honestly. I just need to talk.”

She noticed beads of sweat on his strained features. “Severus, I know you’re not…”

“You don’t know the reality of me, Allegra, so don’t pretend that it doesn’t matter.”

“It doesn’t matter!” Allegra protested.

“It does, actually. If you knew the things that I’ve done, the horrible things I’ve done, I don’t think you’d be so quick to dismiss it all.”

“But I’ve done bad things, too.”

Severus laughed. “It’s not quite the same. Believe me.”

“Tell me, then.”

“I don’t know if that’s such a good idea.”

“Why?”

“I swore that I would always protect you, remember? Knowing my full past would jeopardize you in more ways than one. Your safety is in your ignorance.”

“Then forget the past, Severus. Move on, if it truly is the past. But if it’s troubling you so much, then tell me. I love you.”

“That might not be enough.”

Allegra poured more wine for both of them. “You said you wanted to talk, so talk.”

He nodded. “I’ve told you a bit about my childhood already, so I won’t bore you with the particulars. Let us just say that by the time I arrived at Hogwarts, I felt about as powerful as a sewer rat.”

“Were you abused by your parents?” Allegra asked.

“Like I said before, my father never assaulted me physically,” Severus said. “On the other hand, when he was drunk, which was most of the time, he had some choice expressions for me. He would look at me with disgust and say to my mother, why did we have such an ugly toad for a son? Can you imagine, growing up with that? I would have rather been physically beaten, to be honest.”

“That is so horrible,” Allegra said. Her heart broke. “I can’t even imagine it.”

“As I got a little older, his insults at my expense became more hostile and resentful, and when I got my Hogwarts letter, he turned around and blamed my mother for birthing a hideous freak. I remember that day so distinctly—it was the first time he laid hands on her in anger, actually.”

“Over your Hogwarts letter?”

“They fought for hours about that. He didn’t want that weird magic stuff in his house. He even made my mother promise him not to use magic. I wanted to kill him for that.”

“Did she keep the promise?”

“At first, yes, but later, when he’d be off working or drinking, she would use it often. That was how I first learned magic, through her.”

“Did she protect you against him?”

Severus didn’t answer right away. Allegra could have sworn she saw his lip quiver just a bit, but in a flash, he had composed himself, and went on with his story. “She did her best. In the end, she finally left him, during my second year at school.”

“When I knew you first,” Allegra said. “I had no idea you were going through that.”

“No one did. I hid it well.”

“You were as mysterious then as you are now.”

“Perhaps. Anyway, after she left my father, we lost everything. She was suddenly a single parent having to raise a son who went to an expensive boarding school. I don’t know how she held on to her sanity all those years. If it hadn’t been for the scholarship I received, I would have had to leave Hogwarts. But everything I owned was second hand or third hand, in various stages of disrepair. I looked ridiculous, but there wasn’t a thing I could do about it. My robes were faded and never quite fit, either being too large or too small. The only time I ever had a decent meal was at school. And then, I met your friend, James Potter.”

Allegra had a bad feeling about where this story was going. “I guess he didn’t make things any easier.”

“Potter was wealthy, handsome, athletic, pureblooded—he was everything I wasn’t, and he wasn’t afraid to point out the difference.”

“You mean he mocked your poverty?”

“I do not tell you this to wallow in self-pity, gods forbid. There is actually a point to all this drivel.”

Allegra chuckled and kissed him on the cheek. “It’s not drivel, Severus. It’s life.”

“Then perhaps life is drivel,” he said bitterly.

“You’re being dramatic.”

“I’m being honest.”

“So come on, why was James so horrible? Was it just jealousy on your part?”

“I wish it were that simple. James was a silly teenager, as are all teenagers. He was pompous, crass and in some moments, cruel beyond belief. Everyone was so in love with him, so enthralled by him, but they always overlooked his brutality. He was like my father in that regard—he never laid hands on me, nor I him, but his words were savage enough to damage my already battered sense of self.” Severus stopped for a moment and rubbed the corner of his eye, then went on.

“The moment I was away from my father, I swore that I would learn to defend myself. I was hurt, angry, bitter and filled with hatred towards the world and everyone in it. I had learned a few dark spells before I came to Hogwarts, mostly because I had no idea what I would face on my own. And I was ready to use these spells, should I need to. I spent hours and hours in the library, learning as much about dark magic as I could, gaining more and more intricate knowledge, and in my third year, I even began writing dark spells. That’s when I caught the attention of Lucius Malfoy and his little band of criminals.”

“How did he get you to comply?”

“It wasn’t hard—they were powerful, beautiful, popular and dangerous. They had everything I wanted at that point, and for a time, I was satisfied with basking in their shadows and doing their bidding, like any other idiot boy.”

“But?” Allegra was riveted to every word he spoke, eager to hear what he would say next.

“James Potter nearly ruined my life one afternoon. Normally, our fights were between the two of us, witnessed by very few people. Those I could take because I was equal to him in dueling.”

“Who started the fights?” Allegra asked suspiciously.

“Both of us. We were both stupid and insensitive. But one day during our OWL exams, he humiliated me in front of the entire school in a way that I cannot describe. Throughout the entire incident, though it was James speaking, I could only hear my father’s voice telling me I was stupid and ugly and worthless. That night I nearly took my own life.” 

Severus sighed heavily and rubbed his forehead with both hands. Allegra placed a hand on his shoulder as he went on.

“That afternoon changed my life. Any last shred of goodness that I might have seen in the world dissipated as I hung upside down with the whole school laughing at me. There are no words to describe the degradation I experienced in that moment. I fostered it, nurtured it, carried it with me into adulthood and allowed it to influence the choices I made when I finally left Hogwarts.”

“And you became a Death Eater?”

Severus took another sip of wine. “You know, it takes a lot of courage to become a Death Eater.”

Allegra frowned at that. “I’d say cowardice.”

“You’re wrong, Allegra. To become a soldier and follow a cause, even if it is the wrong cause, is a very brave thing. I needed them in those days. I fed off their hatred and took it into myself so that all my anger grew more and more intense and frightening. Lucius was the one who recommended me to the Dark Lord, and it was Narcissa who led me straight to him. I believe that was one of the images you saw.”

Allegra blushed. “Yeah, it was. So how soon did you actually join them?”

“Not immediately, though I wanted to.” He shook his head in disbelief. “I practically threw myself at the Dark Lord’s feet like the sap I was. I swore I would do anything he wanted, give him everything, make whatever sacrifice he wanted of me. I was disgusting.”

“But I don’t understand,” Allegra said. “Why him? I mean, I can understand your anger and bitterness, but how does that justify joining the Death Eaters?”

“I am not trying to justify myself, Allegra,” Severus said severely. “I am simply trying to explain myself to you—I don’t want you to think ill of me. As it happens, your opinion matters to me.”

Tears spilled down Allegra’s cheeks—she wiped them away with the back of her hand. She rested her head on his shoulder as he continued. “Thank you for your trust.”

“I learned many years ago not to trust anyone in the world, and up to today, there are only two people that have proven me wrong. Albus Dumbledore is one, and the other is you.” He turned away awkwardly and cleared his throat.

They stayed quiet for a little while, content to feel each other’s warmth before the crackling fire, neither eager to talk or move or do anything other than rest in the moment.

“They were the fastest route to the greatest amount of power,” Severus finally said. “I used them as much as they used me. The Dark Lord knew about the dark spells I had written over the last four years and of course, he wanted access to those. At first I was more than willing to give up my spells freely. This was the moment I was waiting for, that recognition and respect that I craved more than anything. You have no idea what it was like to be in his presence in those early days.” Severus sat erect, breathing deeply, his eyes gently closed as if he were in a reverie. “So much power and strength.”

Allegra looked askance at him. “And you liked that?”

“It was like a drug, Allegra. I can’t explain it in full.”

“So what happened? What changed? Why aren’t you still with them?”

Severus sighed. “It’s complicated. Let us suffice to say that I became first doubtful, then resentful, then heretical. My eagerness to share my dark spells turned into mistrust when they were used in ways I hadn’t exactly designed.”

Allegra cracked an intended smile. “You mean…”

“I just mean that I allowed people to take control of something that I created. There was one spell, Sectumsepmra, a particularly nasty spell.”

“What does it do?”

Severus shrugged. “It slashes the victim to death.”

Allegra gasped. “Gods, Severus! What the hell?”

“And what did you suppose my dark spells might do?” Severus said defencively.

“Did you actually use it on anyone? Did you ever kill someone with it? How did you even test it out? How did you figure out what it would do?”

“Like I said,” Severus replied coldly, “many of my spells were used in a way I hadn’t intended.”

Allegra laughed. “Oh wait, so you invent a spell that murders someone and then you’re pissed off because someone used it to murder someone? That makes no sense!”

“It would if you would let me explain,” he seethed.

“Fine. Go ahead. Impress me.”

“This is ridiculous,” Severus grumbled. “I don’t need this shit, especially from you! Here I am, telling you my very worst self and you’re mocking me?”

“I’m not! I swear, Severus!” Allegra cried, suddenly awfully aware of what she had just said. Afraid he might jump up and leave, she reached out and ran her fingers through his hair.

Just then, his hand flew up and grasped hers. “I wouldn’t do that if I were you,” he said, almost abashedly.

Allegra pulled her hand out of his grasp and did it again. “Why not?”

“Stop it! You know damn well why!” He jerked his head away from her.

She stopped, then kissed him on the lips. “I can’t help what others have thought or said about you, but I don’t happen to agree with them.”

Severus scowled. “Ah yes, inner beauty over external beauty,” he said sarcastically. “You have the great fortune to have both.”

Allegra flushed. “Well I don’t know about that. What I do know, however, is that you still need to answer my question.”

“About a murder spell?”

“That’s the one.”

Severus nodded. “It was all fantasy, you see, all generated by my anger and depression. When I wrote those spells, I only wanted to use them in my mind.”

“You mean it was a sort of demented hobby?” she asked.

“Something like that,” he said darkly. Severus sat up and brushed the straggly strands of hair out of his pained face. He poured more wine for both of them, then laid back down. “I knew the Death Eaters were real, of course, but I didn’t realise just how real and serious the situation was. The Dark Lord wanted increasingly drastic and violent things from us, things which began to trouble me more than I ever wished to admit to anyone. I had fancied myself a dark and dangerous wizard hell-bent on revenge, but when it came down to it, I was nothing more than a dupe. It was a moment of great shame to me.”

“To discover you have a conscience?”

“To discover I had allowed myself to be used in such a way, that everything I had done for the past three years was nothing more than a joke. Ultimately, I turned to Albus for help.”

“What could he do for you?”

“Be a friend, a father. I told him everything I’ve told you, only much more—all the putrid, bloody, hellish particulars of the things I allowed myself to do with those people. I felt a little like a Catholic in the confessional with the priest. It cleansed my soul, in a way.”

“And did Professor Dumbledore give you absolution?” Allegra asked.

“Well, of course he isn’t a priest, so no, but in his own way, he helped to relieve me of some of the burden of my past.”

“If you already told him, why tell me?”

“I told Albus for myself, my own need. I’m telling you for other reasons. You took a great risk by telling me about what Lucius did to you all those years ago and…you have no idea how that affected me.”

“How do you mean?”

“You said you had never told anyone before.”

“True. I hadn’t.”

“Not even Aurora?”

“No, not Aurora. We were too busy snogging.”

They laughed.

“I’ve closed off from people all my life, by my own choice, and I paid a pretty terrible price for that. I didn’t want that with you, and when it became clear to me you were using…or at least trying to use Legilimency on me, I saw that once again, I had isolated myself from someone...” he swallowed hard, “…from someone I love.”

Allegra didn’t know what to say. “So what now?”

Severus shrugged. “Move on, live life, get closer to you, I hope.”

Allegra placed her hand on his. “I hope so, too.”


	14. The Board of Governors

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Severus bought Allegra some dark chocolates at Honeyduke’s, which they sat and ate together on a little bench outside of Gladrags. Severus bought a newspaper from the newsstand on the corner, which they read together. No news. Nothing out of the ordinary. Arrested Death Eaters questioned, a few more sentenced, others given the Dementor’s Kiss. That part made Severus’ hands tremble just a bit. And then, Allegra spotted a small item at the bottom of page 5._

As the second term opened, the time came for Allegra and Severus to receive their first evaluations as teachers, something that made both of them more nervous than either was willing to admit. Professor McGonagall would make a visit to both their classrooms and sit in the corner, taking copious notes on everything she saw and heard during the lesson, from the teacher’s tone of voice to the clarity of instructions to the way the students responded to what was presented.

The morning of Allegra’s observation, she thought she might be sick. She knew, of course, that Professor McGonagall quite liked her and had often commented on how much the students had taken a liking to Allegra.

“You must be working miracles,” she had said. Of course, that was two months ago.

Being formally observed was another matter entirely. It was one thing to be in front of the students every day—that was pressure enough. But to be visited, not just by any old colleague, but by a master teacher, who would surely be taking note of every word Allegra spoke, how she said it, how clear she was and whether the students were responsive to her presentation. When McGonagall announced the date and time of her upcoming visit, Allegra cringed—she would be visiting her Second Year class—Sean Somersby’s class.

For days, Allegra agonized over what she would do and what she would present. Something showy would be nice, perhaps a show of defencive spells or something. But wait—the Somersby factor—on the other hand, McGonagall had Sean in her Transfiguration class, so she knew how he was. Maybe things would work out in the end after all. She decided on shield charms—it was a bit advanced for Second Years but basic enough. And it was a good, legitimate form of defence.

At breakfast that morning, both Allegra and Severus were a bit quieter than normal, especially Allegra. They sat and ate their bacon and eggs and toast, drank their coffee and barely spoke a word to anyone, other than to say “Good Morning” to various teachers as they sat down at the table. Allegra noticed that Severus looked particularly out of sorts that morning. He was used to having free reign in his classroom, and even if the students were a bit wild and unruly, they learned much and always managed to complete their work on time. What did he care? So why did he look a slight shade of green this morning? Allegra smirked and finished her breakfast.

The class couldn’t have gone more smoothly. She gave a brief lecture on the need for shield charms, demonstrated one, having McGonagall participate in the demonstration, and then gave clearn instructions to the students: one student would throw a stinging spell at the other, who was supposed to block it with a shield charm. The proudest moment for Allegra came when Sean managed to block a spell from the top student in the class. Allegra beamed at him.

“Beautiful class, Allegra,” McGonagall said after the students had gone from the room. “You know how to keep them engaged and to make the environment light but serious. I think you have tremendous natural talent for teaching.”

Allegra felt a surge of joy and relief. “Thank you so much, Minerva. I worked hard on this lesson. I was worried it was too advanced for them, but they really took to it.”

“Even Sean.”

They laughed.

That evening at dinner, Allegra got the distinct idea that things did not go quite as well for Severus. He sat there as gloomy and brooding as ever—Allegra wanted to be sympathetic, but she couldn’t help feeling giddy from her glowing review. Later that night, Severus visited her room, but rather than sit in front of the fire, as they so often did, he preferred to sit by the window, looking far away from where they were.

“Tough day?” Allegra asked.

Severus rolled his eyes.

“Bad review?” she asked.

“Three cauldrons exploded, two students snuck out and half the class didn’t finish the last two steps today.”

Allegra groaned. “Oh no! What a disaster!”

“Disaster? That was the norm!”

“And what did McGonagall say?”

“Quite a lot, as a matter of fact. We spent the better part of an hour in her office before dinner going over classroom management skills so that my students would be better behaved and, as she put it, more receptive to learning.”

“Ouch. That’s harsh. Still, it wasn’t all bad, was it?”

“Pretty much all bad. In fact, she’s put me on probation.”

“WHAT? But what does that mean?”

“It means that if I don’t show a marked improvement in a month’s time, I might not have a position next year.”

“What are you going to do?”

“Become a right bastard in class, I suppose.”

* * * * *

For three solid weeks, Allegra heard nothing but complaints from her students about the Potions Master. What was up with him, they whined? What was his deal? Who did he think he was? What happened to the guy they could smartass to in class? How was it that he suddenly turned into a total fascist overnight? Allegra just shrugged and went on with her lessons.

In time, he improved. He learned to modify the fascist tenor without losing the iron grip he had on his students. There were no more escaping students, nor verbal bouts with Severus in class, nor potions ingredients thrown about the room by out of control Fourth Years. Severus had managed to scare the living shit out of each and every one of his many students, while at the same time demonstrating his extreme academic superiority so that the students had no choice but to fall in line if they expected to learn anything from him.

His second review went much better, and afterward, he was spotted about the grounds with a rare spring in his step, his black robes billowing majestically behind him as he went. As he passed through corridors, groups of students scattered like leaves in the wind, too afraid to stop and say hello.

Severus rather liked that. Allegra noticed this phenomenon in early spring as they walked together from the Great Hall and out towards Hogsmeade—today they were escorting the students to town. As they walked towards the front of the line of eagerly waiting students, they all stepped far back at the very sight of Severus in the distance.

Allegra and Severus decided to let the students walk ahead of them—they preferred to linger behind, farther and farther back until the last straggler was out of sight. Severus grabbed Allegra by the hand and pulled her into the thick grove. He gathered her in his arms and kissed her deeply, wildly, something he hadn’t done in a while. Allegra felt a thrill surge through her body as she pulled him closer, wanting nothing more than to make this the day she would give her whole self to him forever.

“I think I’m ready,” she said quietly.

“I want to marry you,” Severus replied.

He kissed her again, and just as quickly they returned to the road and hurried to catch up with the students. Hogsmeade was crowded that day—a group of tourists from York had arrived to see the sights of the town and have lunch in the Three Broomsticks. Allegra and Severus thought to take a room there for the afternoon to plan everything, but it was far too crowded. Even the Hog’s Head was too crowded, and they didn’t dare enter Madame Puddifoot’s—the place was notorious for lovers. Thus, they had to wait. In the meantime, Severus bought Allegra some dark chocolates at Honeyduke’s, which they sat and ate together on a little bench outside of Gladrags. Severus bought a newspaper from the newsstand on the corner, which they read together.

No news. Nothing out of the ordinary. Arrested Death Eaters questioned, a few more sentenced, others given the Dementor’s Kiss. That part made Severus’ hands tremble just a bit. And then, Allegra spotted a small item at the bottom of page 5.

**New Members of the Hogwarts’ Board of Governors Appointed  
Ministry takes flak for controversial appointment**

_By Rita Skeeter  
Education Correspondent_

_LONDON: The Ministry of Magic is under sharp criticism for one of the appointments made to the Hogwarts’ Board of Governors. The Board, always appointed by the Ministry’s Department of Education, serves to give direction to the school’s curriculum and staffing choices. Normally, Governors are retired witches or wizards, eager to serve the school and to offer funding for special school programs, facilities, books and so on._

_Therefore, parents and other concerned citizens are wondering why the Ministry would appoint a known former Death Eater, Lucius Malfoy…_

Allegra dropped the paper to the ground as the colour drained from her face. Her throat constricted and suddenly, she found that she couldn’t breathe. She trembled inside and out, and even when Severus put a protective arm around her, she couldn’t stop shaking.

“No,” she whispered helplessly. “No no no no no.” She wanted to cry, to scream out, to rant and rave, but found that all she could do was sit like stone in a rush of horror. Severus pulled her close.

“You’ll never see him,” he said.

“Oh gods, Severus,” she murmured. “What do I do?”

“You’ll never see him,” Severus repeated. “I’ll make sure of it. He’ll never hurt you like that again.”

Allegra felt dizzy all of a sudden. She swooned and nearly fell over. It suddenly didn’t matter that two professors were seen in public, one with his arms tightly around the other. All that mattered to them was this single, terrifying emergency. Severus helped the ashen-faced Allegra to her feet and escorted her to the Hog’s Head, where he sat her down in a dark corner and ordered a very strong drink for her. He held the glass to her lips and urged her to drink.

“Come on,” he said. “It’s firewhiskey. It’ll do you a world of good.”

But all Allegra could do was stare at him with doleful eyes. She pushed his hand away and wept bitterly. Severus set the glass on the table and held her in his arms, rocking her gently as she cried into his black robes.

“I’m here,” he whispered. “I love you.”

* * * * *

“There has to be something you can do about it,” Allegra demanded. She sat across from Professor Dumbledore in his grand office, his many silver instruments whirring and pinging playfully in the background.

“The Ministry of Magic appoints the Board of Governors, Allegra,” Dumbledore replied.

“I know that, Headmaster, but surely, someone like that has no right to such an appointment.”

“I agree with you, but unfortunately, my dear, it will be your word against his. If you wish to file a complaint against this appointment, I will support you entirely. But I’ll be honest with you, Allegra. The way the Ministry is these days, they are more likely to respond to Lucius’ money than to your plight.”

“They’ll ignore the fact that he’s a rapist?” she cried.

“They will say that you did not report anything wrong when it first happened.”

“But I was fourteen!”

“I know that, Allegra. You’ve told me the whole story, and I am so very sorry that it happened to you. I truly wish you had reported him so that I could have helped you.”

Allegra blushed. “I’m sorry, Professor.”

“Don’t be sorry, Allegra. I should apologize to you. A lot of people should apologize to you. A young girl should never feel intimidated into silence, especially in a place like Hogwarts. I take some of the responsibility for that.”

“You shouldn’t, really. People like Lucius get away with it because of their money, pure and simple.”

Dumbledore sighed heavily. “True. The Ministry is eager to have someone like Lucius on the Board because he is young, he has a little boy who will one day be a student here, and he wishes to make a show of good will towards the Wizarding community in a meaningful way.”

Allegra scowled. “Bullshit, if you’ll pardon my language, Professor.”

Dumbledore chuckled. “I am not offended. I would have said far worse, in fact.”

“I already have,” Allegra grumbled. “But I see what you mean about him. But what will that mean for me? I mean, is my position in any danger?”

“Because of him? I don’t think so. They will make one visit to the school in late May…”

“WHAT? He’s coming HERE?”

“You don’t have to be present, Allegra. I will make excuses for you.”

“You mean the staff has to meet him?”

“The staff always meets the Board of Governors. There’s a small reception and a special dinner in their honour.”

“Honour!” Allegra snorted. “This is unbelievable. I can’t face him, I just can’t! It’s too much!”

Dumbledore walked around the desk and sat down next to Allegra, who by now had her head buried in her hands.

“I have expressed my objections to his appointment to the Minister of Magic himself, Allegra. Unfortunately, Lucius made a 25,000 Galleon donation the day before. You can imagine the reception I received.”

Allegra thought a moment. “I…I’m sorry, Professor, but…that’s not acceptable to me.”

“This is quite honestly the best that we can do for you, Allegra. You must understand this.”

Allegra jumped to her feet and paced up and down office. “I don’t understand it! I don’t understand why a man like that can have so much power over a place like this! After all he’s done, and not just to me, but to others! For crying out loud, Albus, he was a bloody DEATHEATER! Don’t they get it?”

Dumbledore shook his head sadly. “I wish they did, Allegra. I am so terribly sorry about this.”

Allegra sniffled and rubbed her eyes. “It’s not your fault. I guess I just have to be an adult about this. I’ll just hide away, like any other self-respecting woman.”

Dumbledore patted her hand. “Perhaps you and Severus will find other things to do that day.”

But when that day arrived, both Allegra and Severus found that they really did have nothing else to do. Both were caught up on grading, their lessons has been planned well in advance, and late May rolled around, they were both eagerly awaiting the upcoming summer holiday, when they would be free to roam about Europe or America or India or anywhere they wanted. They had briefly talked about getting married on a beach in Brazil or just to rent a small cottage together in Ireland for the summer.

So many bright plans.


	15. The Threat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _The Governors looked a stuffy lot—greying, balding, imperious, wealthy. At first blush, they looked like an aging posse, but then Allegra saw him, in the shadows. Lucius Malfoy entered the room last, as if to announce himself to the world, guaranteeing a solitary stage appearance whilst the rest of the staff could only look on and fawn and grovel in his presence. She thought she would vomit._

The Hogwarts staff assembled in the staff room for the arrival of the Board of Governors. The room had been brightly decorated with new candles, white tablecloths, and a new red carpet on the stone floor. The House Elves had laid out a sumptuous array of appetizers on the tables along the walls—canapes, meatballs, finger sandwiches and fresh vegetables, plus champagne, cognac, wine and coffee. Everyone was dressed in their best robes—hair combed, perfumed, faces clean and eager and smiling.

Allegra stood in the darkest corner she could find, strategically placing herself behind Severus and Professor McGonagall. She hoped it would shield her from the sight of Lucius Malfoy, and for a few blazing moments after the Governors entered the staff room, Allegra was sure she had succeeded. And then…

She thought she could slip out unnoticed, get back to her room before anyone knew she was even gone. Up until then, the evening had been a sickening side show, as far as Allegra was concerned. The Governors looked a stuffy lot—greying, balding, imperious, wealthy. At first blush, they looked like an aging posse, but then she saw him, in the shadows. Lucius Malfoy entered the room last, as if to announce himself to the world, guaranteeing a solitary stage appearance whilst the rest of the staff could only look on and fawn and grovel in his presence. She thought she would vomit.

Then came the introductions—the Governors wanted everyone to meet their new members. That made Allegra fly into a private panic. How could she possibly dodge the inevitability of being forced to shake hands with Lucius Malfoy? But what could she do? There she was, as conspicuous as anyone else in the tight little room—was all the air gone? She wondered. When it came time for her to meet the Governors, Allegra could only tremble on the inside, terrified of that moment when she would have to look Lucius Malfoy in the eyes, after so many years.

He looked the same, but different. He had the same, imperious air about himself, and though he had matured physically and grown into his manhood, his were still piercingly cold, heartless, without empathy whatsoever. His brow was regal, proud, menacing as ever as he stood erect, silkily greeting every member of the staff as if they were the help at home. And then he saw Allegra—she his eyes flash wickedly for a split second, and she thought she might faint from fright. And yet, he made no effort to cross the room to greet her, which struck Allegra as very odd. She remained determinedly in conversation with Professors Flitwick and Vector, and then, when she saw him deep in conversation with Aurora, Allegra slipped out of the room.

Now was her chance to get away and back to the safety of her room before anyone, especially Lucius, knew she was gone. Allegra was sure Dumbledore would be fine with that, and she hoped that Severus might come to seek her out. After all, she was fairly sure that he wasn’t too thrilled to see his fellow Death Eater either.

Allegra walked at a steady, quick stride, but decided not to run—there were students around, and she didn’t want to attract any more attention by running screaming through the corridors once again. And then…

“Professor Brigantes!”

Allegra stopped in her tracks and looked for the voice. She groaned as Sean Somersby stumbled over his bag and then came directly to her. Other students giggled at the spectacle, which made Allegra’s presence in that corridor all the more obvious. She wanted to disapparate, but of course, that was impossible.

“Hello, Mr. Somersby,” she said patiently. “What’s up?”

“I just wanted to ask if I could turn in that parchment on protection charms in class tomorrow.”

Allegra sighed. “Mr. Somersby, that was due two weeks ago! You know I don’t accept late work.”

“Can my mum write a note?”

“About what?”

“My finger.”

Allegra furrowed her brow. “Your finger? What’s wrong with your finger?”

“I got a paper cut and so I’ve had a hard time writing.”

“Paper cuts heal within a few days, not weeks. Sorry, Mr. Somersby, but no, that is not an excuse.”

A disappointed Sean Somersby shrugged and returned to his friends. Allegra turned to continue towards her room, but once again, was waylaid by another student, then by three Seventh Years wanting to know when she would schedule the next review session, then by Nearly Headless Nick, and finally, by Jennie. Allegra figured she had better ask the girl the uncomfortable question, and so she took Jennie aside for a moment.

“So, how’s it going?” Allegra asked.

Jennie shrugged.

“You know, with Glynnis?”

Jennie smiled. “Oh, I’m over that. I’ve got someone new.”

“Nice! So what’s her name?”

Jennie blushed. “Oh, well you see…Robert.”

Allegra raised her eyebrows. “So I guess you really did think it over.”

Jennie shrugged again. “I guess I decided I didn’t have to choose one or the other. Both seems right to me.”

“Well then I’m happy for you and Robert,” Allegra said.

“That stuff you said to me before,” Jennie said. “It really helped me decide. Thanks for your help, Professor.”

Allegra smiled and patted Jennie on the shoulder and turned to move on, but when she did, she walked right into another person.

“Oh!” Allegra exclaimed. “I’m sor…” But her voice trailed off when she saw the face of Lucius Malfoy staring menacingly down at her.

“You must be more careful in future, Professor Brigantes. You might find yourself in trouble.” His voice was icy, stiff, threatening—it hadn’t changed in eight long years. Lucius took Allegra gently by the arm and steered her to an empty corridor. A stunned and overwhelmed Allegra allowed him, to her shame and horror.

Alone, she wrenched her arm out of his grip. “You stay the hell away from me,” she seethed, turned to walk away.

“I was shocked to learn that Dumbledore had hired someone like you,” he said imperiously.

Allegra turned to face him. “And I was shocked to learn the Ministry allows Death Eaters to govern the school.”

Lucius glared at her. “I would not be the first of my kind to associate with this school, I assure you.”

Allegra knew he meant Severus, but she used Occlumency to keep Lucius out of her thoughts, just in case he was a Legilimens. She also fought the urge to cry out and scream and shriek for help and faint away under her weak knees, and instead, just stood there, staring at him in grim, awful fascination as if she were looking through a window at a Manticore or a dragon. Finally, Allegra found her voice.

“Look, I understand you have to do these yearly visits to the school, so perhaps you and I can agree to keep far away from each other,” she said.

Lucius smirked. “You never did tell, did you? About our little tryst?”

Allegra hardly knew how to respond. “Is that what you call rape now? A tryst?”

“For someone like you, I should think it was one of many such events.”

“Excuse me? Events? What does that mean?”

Lucius raised a sarcastic eyebrow. “I think you know quite well what that means.”

Allegra thought she would be sick, but she remained strong. “I have no idea, Lucius. Enlighten me.”

He whispered in her ear. “Well, word around the Ministry is that there wasn’t a person in the Law Enforcement Office, male or female, that you didn’t fuck like a little whore.”

Furious, Allegra drew back her hand and made to slap him across her face, but Lucius caught her by the wrist with a hard grip.

“You let me go, you bastard,” she snarled. “Would you like me to inform the Ministry of what you did to me all those years ago?”

Lucius let go, but then he smirked. “They would never believe a slag like you,” he said shrewdly. “Over someone like me?”

“Oh right, they’ll believe the Death Eater over the slag? You’re deluded.”

“No, madame, I am rich, and where the Ministry is concerned, money equals virtue,” Lucius replied coolly. “The fact is, as it turns out, that you will not be saying a word to anyone about the past. Like I said, I was surprised to know that Dumbledore hired a sexual deviant such as yourself,” he said softly.

“A sexual dev…” Allegra began to feel ill.

“And furthermore,” Lucius continued, “as a prospective Hogwarts parent, I do not want my son to be exposed to someone as perverse as yourself. I would fear what someone like you could do to an innocent young boy.”

“That’s disgusting! You stay the hell away from me!” she shouted.

Lucius drew close to her, speaking softly, almost sympathetically. “I am going to give you a choice, Professor.”

“YOU’RE giving ME a choice?” Allegra said sardonically. “Give me a break, Malfoy.”

“I am quite serious, Professor. Should you choose to return to Hogwarts in the Fall, I shall have no choice but to make known every salacious shred of your personal history—every sexual partner you have ever had, including your current one, will become public knowledge, and I very greatly doubt whether most parents would want their children to be around a person such as yourself.”

“You can’t threaten me like that! You know damn well that Dumbledore would never support that!”

“He would have no choice,” Lucius said mirthfully. He shrugged. “I am merely informing you that, I shall see to it that you never work again in any aspect of the wizarding world if you are foolish enough to return here in September. That is all. It’s very simple, is it not?”

Simple indeed.

* * * * *

Allegra walked alone in the moonlight, just ambling in no particular direction. She had neglected to eat that evening, neglected to mark a stack of parchments on her desk that afternoon, neglected to put on a cloak when the air grew chilly and the sky thick with rainclouds. As the rain poured down on Allegra, soaking her hair, her clothes and shoes, Allegra didn’t do a single thing to protect herself. She walked on, letting herself get wet.

She didn’t shed a tear, at least not that day. In truth, Allegra was too overwhelmed by Lucius’ threat, stunned by its blistering reality. She felt dirty all of a sudden, sullied and corrupt. She briefly wondered whether she deserved this, if this was some sort of bad karma that had come back to haunt her for her sinful deeds. But what had she done? She knew she had made some bad choices in her life, dated too much and made herself too available to too many people.

And then, along came Severus into her life, with his odd looks and his dark, gloomy ferocity. Never in her dreams had Allegra imagined herself with such a person—normally, her partners were attractive, outgoing and extroverted, not sallow, bitter intellectuals like Severus. And yet, she felt a powerful sense of security and belonging with him that she had never experienced before with anyone.

Standing at the edge of the Forbidden Forest, Allegra looked back towards the castle, so massive and glorious against the dark, grey sky. Twinkles of candlelight glittered from the windows through out the castle like a wall of stars, so hauntingly beautiful in the rainstorm. It dawned on Allegra just then what this place meant to her, and what she stood to lose. It wasn’t just the cushy position as teacher that she would have to give up, nor the status she automatically held in the wizarding world as a Hogwarts teacher. And of course, she would lose watching Sean Somersby grow into his magical abilities.

Allegra was overcome with grief all of a sudden, so violent she feared for her sanity as she leaned against a tree in the Forbidden Forest, crying and shrieking and pounding her fist against the rough bark until blood ran down her arm.

She stopped, alarmed by the sight.

“Dammit!” she said to herself. The gash was quite serious, as it turned out, and it became apparent to Allegra that she would need some medical attention quickly. Her first thought was to go to Severus—he could mend her hand in no time. But no, she couldn’t face him just now. Not with so much on her mind. Not knowing what she would have to do in the next few hours.

Madame Pomfrey was shocked by Allegra’s appearance—not only was her arm covered in blood, but she was dripping wet, soaked through the skin. She threw a heavy blue blanket over Allegra and shuttled her to a chair by the roaring fireplace. Madame Pomfrey pointed her wand on the cut, which healed instantly, then cleaned the rest of Allegra’s arm with a warm cloth. Allegra sneezed.

“Now I want you to change into this,” Madame Pomfrey said, handing Allegra a clean nightdress. “Then, I want you to get into bed. I’ll make you some tea.”

All Allegra could manage was to sit on the edge of the bed, unable to move. Lucius’ words taunted her to the point where she could see and hear nothing else. Her hair dripped wet down her neck and back. She shivered.

“You not changed yet?” Madame Pomfrey asked. She looked with concern at the pain on Allegra’s face. Setting down the teacup on the night table, she sat next to Allegra on the bed. “What is it, Professor? Allegra? You can tell me, my dear.”

Allegra fought back a sob. She shook her head. “It’s useless! I don’t have a choice!” she cried.

“What choice is that, dear?”

But Allegra dissolved into sobs, unable to respond. A saddened and slightly confused Madame Pomfrey did all she could to calm her, then helped her lie down and relax. As much as she tried, Allegra found it impossible to sleep that night. Lucius haunted her dreams, her thoughts, every aspect of her consciousness, threatening not only to have her fired, but, in Allegra’s panicked imagination, to have her arrested for unspeakable crimes Allegra would never dream of committing. 

She had no choice, or so she felt. She knew that nothing could stand up to Lucius’ millions, no matter what. Perhaps it would have been different had she had a decent and virtuous reputation, but she didn’t. She had been reckless, indiscreet, too open about her partners, too…promiscuous. Allegra hated that word, but found herself unable to find a better one to describe herself.

And yet, she had to wonder, what did that make her in the long run? Hadn’t she learned through her mistakes? Hadn’t she finally found stability and real love with Severus? Wasn’t she ready to move on with her life and finally take responsibility for her actions? It seemed so unfair, so unjust that Lucius should do this to her after so many years. After all, he was the perpetrator in the first place, and now, it seemed as though he was going to win all over again.

Allegra lay there in bed, motionless, wide awake, with no answers and no way out.


	16. A Long Walk by the Black Lake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _It was an act of sheer bravery when Allegra took her place in the Great Hall the next morning. She was pale and still shaky from the night before, and she hoped desperately that people would merely assume she was feeling ill. And then Severus sat down next to her. Allegra found it hard to breathe all of a sudden, as if she were having some sort of allergic reaction to his proximity. She could feel the heat of his presence overwhelming her, making Allegra want to dash out of the room. That, however, was impossible—too many students were there, and too many of her colleagues. Getting through breakfast was like torture for Allegra that morning—her stomach ached from her long, restless night._

The long, sleepless night in the Hospital Wing became like a miserable vigil for Allegra. By three in the morning, her grief had spent itself, dissolving into a terrifying anger, and by the time the sun rose in the sky, the fire of her rage gave way to a certain emptiness that she didn’t know how to fill. Never in her wildest dreams did Allegra think that she would have to leave Hogwarts after a mere year there. When she took the post, she had hoped to make Hogwarts her home for a very long time, and she had been proud of all the progress she had made whilst there—but now…it was over. Lucius Malfoy had seen to that, once again. She couldn’t believe it.

How would she face them? It was bad enough coming to grips with the shock and horror of Lucius Malfoy’s threat against her, but having to enter the Staff Room the next day terrified her. Allegra wanted to be all smiles and good fun with her colleagues, like normal, but that was now impossible, with the weight of her choice bearing down on her mind and heart. Perhaps it would be better to leave now, unseen and quickly forgotten. That, of course, was ridiculous. Her students needed her, particularly those about to take their exams.

Therefore, it was an act of sheer bravery when Allegra took her place in the Great Hall the next morning. She was pale and still shaky from the night before, and she hoped desperately that people would merely assume she was feeling ill. And then Severus sat down next to her. Allegra found it hard to breathe all of a sudden, as if she were having some sort of allergic reaction to his proximity. She could feel the heat of his presence overwhelming her, making Allegra want to dash out of the room. That, however, was impossible—too many students were there, and too many of her colleagues. Getting through breakfast was like torture for Allegra that morning—her stomach ached from her long, restless night.

The moment she finished her last bit of scrambled eggs, Allegra tossed down her napkin and rushed towards the door, quick to make her escape. Halfway down the corridor, she looked behind her, relieved to see she wasn’t followed. Allegra spent the rest of her day mainly in her classroom, working with students, marking parchments, lesson planning, going over NEWT review strategies for her Seventh Years. She did not go to the Great Hall for lunch, nor to the Staff Room for coffee. She figured that if anyone asked, it would be easy to say that she had a busy day with no time to see much of anyone.

Surely they would believe that. And in part, it was true. But there were many quiet moments throughout Allegra’s day in which she was left pondering what to say to Professor Dumbledore. She hated the notion that she would have to tender her resignation after so little time, and she wished there was something Dumbledore could do to help her—but that was impossible. Allegra knew that well enough. She hated Lucius Malfoy even more than she ever had before.

Three days passed, and still, Allegra had said nothing about the situation to Professor Dumbledore, nor to Severus. Each night she would lie wrapped close and safe in Severus’ arms, letting him talk when he wanted, happier to listen to his deep, resonant voice or to lose herself in his kiss. To her amazement, he never asked her any awkward questions, but soon, she wondered why. Could it be that he figured out what had happened, or was it merely that he was respecting her silence? Allegra couldn’t be sure.

The one thing that was sure was that she would have to speak to Professor Dumbledore. She rehearsed her little speech over and over in her mind, never quite satisfied with what she had planned to say to him, but by the time she reached the door of his office, Allegra had entirely forgotten what to say to him.

“You seem troubled today, Allegra,” Dumbledore said gently. They sat at his desk in the stiff silence of the office, interrupted only by the light whirring of the silver instruments that dotted the room.

“Do I?”

“Distracted anyway. I assume that seeing Mr. Malfoy again must have upset you.”

Allegra nodded. She struggled to speak. “Professor Dumbledore…Headmaster,” she started, “I have to tell you something.”

“Yes?”

Allegra’s heart pounded in her chest. “I have to…next year, I won’t be able to…” But she broke off, unable to continue. Gathering her courage, Allegra took a deep breath and went on. “Professor, I won’t be returning to Hogwarts in the Fall, I’m afraid.”

Silence. Allegra bit her lip.

Dumbledore frowned. “What’s this about, Allegra? What do you mean?” He sounded genuinely shocked, even a little hurt by her announcement.

“I…I just don’t think this is going to work out for me, I…but I just want to thank you for giving me a chance here. I’ve had a wonderful time this year.” She couldn’t believe she was saying. She wanted to be sick, but she remained strong.

His frown deepened. Dumbledore moved around the desk and sat in a chair next to Allegra. “Now Allegra, I want you to tell me what is going on. Is this to do with Lucius?”

“It’s just that there are many other opportunities out there,” Allegra lied. “At my age, I think it’s good to experience as many things as possible.”

Dumbledore nodded casually, a look of grave doubt on his features. “I see. And is this the story you wish to hold yourself to?”

Allegra nodded.

“You are a fine, very talented teacher, Allegra. The students love you very much, and your colleagues are most impressed by your dedication and your knowledge. If there is any accommodation we can make for you, anything at all that we can do so you will stay…”

It was too much. Allegra broke down in tears. “I’m so sorry, Professor, really! I don’t want to go, but I have to! He’ll ruin me! He’ll make it impossible for me to get a job anywhere if I stay, and if I do return, he’ll see to it I’m run out of here anyway!”

“We can protect you from Lucius Malfoy, Allegra,” Dumbledore replied, very concerned for her.

“But only here, not out there in the real world. He’ll tell things to the papers, spread rumours about me to parents, drag my personal life out into the open for all to see. I can’t take that, sir. I can’t! He’ll make them think awful things about me and then I’ll lose my reputation!”

Dumbledore nodded, now understanding her words. “But have you done anything particularly shameful?”

Allegra sniffled. “I have made certain choices in my life that were a product of a lot of confusion on my part. In my own mind and heart I’ve changed, but if you were to look at my past on parchment, anyone would think I was a terrible person. I wouldn’t be seen as the sort of person one wants around impressionable teenagers.”

“But we know different.”

“But no one else does, and I hate to think how Lucius will exaggerate the details about me.” Allegra shuddered.

“What about you and Severus?” Dumbledore asked.

“I don’t know, sir. I can’t tell him what to do, and I wouldn’t expect him to follow me. That wouldn’t be fair.”

Dumbledore stood up and extended a hand to her, which she shook. He gave her a paternal pat on the shoulder. “We shall miss you terribly, Allegra,” he said, a note of wistfulness in his voice. “But if you feel that leaving us is the right thing to do to protect your reputation, then I shall reluctantly have to accept your resignation, though I wish I did not have to.”

“Nor do I, Professor.”

Telling Severus was another matter. Allegra had no idea how he would respond. They had grown so close, so intimate, had become so much a part of each other, that she feared he might lash out at her, or worse, at Lucius. She couldn’t allow that to happen, no matter how much she hated the man.

Saturday night after dinner, Allegra and Severus took a long walk in the moonlight by the lake, taking in the fresh spring air, washed clean by yesterday’s rainstorms. The ground was still mucky under their feet, but neither seemed to notice much. Allegra did notice that Severus’ hands felt particularly cold that night, and that his grip on her was a little tighter than usual. Did he already know? Did Dumbledore tell him? Did Lucius? Perhaps not—perhaps she was projecting her own fears onto him and making incorrect assumptions about him.

They paused in their tracks, looking at the little stretch of grass before them. Severus said it first.

“This is where we first kissed,” he remembered.

Allegra laughed. “You mean where we first molested each other like wild dogs?”

He grinned. “Something like that. I think I have a scar from that.”

She smirked and took his arm as they walked on, slowly now, meditatively.

“Something’s going on, isn’t it?” Severus finally asked after a few minutes of quiet.

Allegra loosened her hold on his arm for a moment. “Why do you think that?” she asked, trying to sound casual.

“Because ever since you saw Lucius Malfoy, you’ve been acting like a scared rabbit, always running off and avoiding everyone.”

“I haven’t avoided you.”

“No, not at night, but during the day, in the Staff Room, in the Great Hall, on the grounds you have avoided me more than anyone. So naturally, being the brilliant and astute observer of human nature that I am, I have concluded that something is troubling you to the point that you do not wish to tell me.”

“You’re very academic about this, Severus,” Allegra said coldly.

“And you are a riddle. I feel I should consult logic books in order to ascertain what you are hiding from me, since you have chosen to use Occlumency against me.”

Allegra scowled. “You mean you’ve been trying to break into my thoughts via Legilimency?”

Severus raised a questioning eyebrow. “As you did to me.”

“True.”

“So?”

“So?”

“Are you going to tell me, or am I going to have to slip Veritaserum into your Earl Grey?”

They sat down on a mossy log by the shore of the Black Lake and stared in silence at the moon shining down over the glassy waters. An owl hooted in the far distance.

“Alright, Severus,” Allegra conceded. “I gave my resignation to Dumbledore the other day. I’m leaving Hogwarts at the close of the term.”

Severus didn’t respond, except to look away, his fierce eyes like black steel, staring into nowhere. “Lucius.”

Allegra nodded.

“Bastard,” Severus grumbled. 

More stony silence. Allegra wished Severus would rant and rave, beg her to stay, vow eternal and bloody revenge on Lucius Malfoy for driving her out of Hogwarts, but instead, he remained silent, almost passive—at least on the surface.

“Come with me,” she said brightly.

Severus again did not respond.

“I contacted a friend from the Ministry, this bloke who started a private investigation agency in London two years ago. Apparently he’s wildly successful and he’s looking to hire new agents to expand his business. Considering my background in law enforcement, I asked for a job, and he owled me just this morning to tell me that I’m hired.”

“I can’t do that, Allegra.”

“Of course you could! Your background is perfect! You know all sorts of things, have some seriously important contacts that could really make a difference for the agency! You’re a perfect fit, Severus!”

“Surely you’re joking, Allegra. You don’t expect me to do something like that,” he said, almost imperiously.

“Oh, so you’re so important that you’re too good for this work?” she replied, affronted.

“That is your view, not mine. There are many legitimate reasons why I could never do work like that, Allegra, and it has nothing to do with status.”

“You don’t have to do that, Severus,” Allegra conceded. “You could do something else.”

“What?”

“Anything you want!”

Severus laughed. “You can’t expect me simply to drop everything and run off with you.”

“Why not? I’d do that for you.”

“But you and I aren’t the same. I can’t work that way, and besides, I need to be here.”

Allegra didn’t know how to respond. “But Severus, I don’t want to lose you,” she said tearfully. Her heart grew heavy at the thought. “I need you in my life. I thought you felt the same way.”

Severus shut his eyes for a moment, measuring his thoughts. “I need you, too,” he confessed quietly, his eyes cast downward.

“Then come away with me.”

“I can’t!” he seethed.

“But you said you hate it here! So leave, be with someone you love!”

Severus clenched his fists so tightly that his knuckles turned white. “You are not being fair, Allegra! You can’t do this to me! I have to stay here, regardless of how I feel about it. I…have obligations here, and I am not free to just walk away. I do not have that luxury.”

Allegra frowned. “You make it sound as if Dumbledore has enslaved you or something. Why not tell the truth, Severus? Tell me you don’t love me enough to give up your position here.”

Severus stood up, his powerful frame erect, his head held high. He squared his shoulders and looked down his long nose at Allegra. “Have it your way, then. I don’t love you enough to give up my duties here,” he said icily. With that, Severus turned on his heel and strode back towards the castle, black robes billowing behind him. 

In the distance, a stunned Allegra watched as he tore a thin branch off a tree, slash the air with it and fling it aside as he went. She could just make out the sounds of violent swearing emanating from his disappearing shadow. And then she was alone, shaking with grief and regret.

* * * * *

With only exam week left in the term, Allegra suddenly found plenty of time to pack up her room, place her belongings in boxes, empty her wardrobe and organise all her books and other personal items. Dumbledore had told her there was no rush to move out of her room—if she needed a couple of weeks after the students were all gone home for the long summer holiday, that was just fine with him. But no, Allegra had told him, that wouldn’t be necessary.

“The offer stands, my dear,” Dumbledore said. “How did Severus take it when you told him?”

“Not well,” she replied. “He feels obliged to stay here, actually. I think he secretly loves it here, though he’d never admit it to me.”

“It could be. There are many things about Severus that are rather a mystery.”

Allegra nodded. “True. Still…”

“Still.”

“And I think he loves you, too, Professor, very much. He seems to think he owes you his time and energy.”

Dumbledore nodded. “He knows his duty.”

“I’ll miss him. He’s changed me forever, you know. I never really got to tell him that.”

“I think he knows. I believe you both have had a profound effect on each other, and that is a very great accomplishment indeed.”

On the last day of the term, Allegra wished all her students well—many promised to write to her in London, and some promised to visit. Sean Somersby brought her a little gift—three Chocolate Frogs tied up in a spare bit of parchment, with a note attached to it, saying, “Thanx Prof! I’ll miss you! You’re the only one who liked me and I hope the new one will like me to. Luv, Sean.”

Sean Somersby. That crazy kid. Allegra fought back a tear and tucked his note and the sweets into her trunk.

Before she knew it, it was all over. No more Hogwarts, no more students or Great Hall or wonderful meals cooked by the House Elves…no more Severus. As much as she tried to understand his position, Allegra found that she simply couldn’t. She wanted to hate him for refusing to leave Hogwarts for her, but again, Allegra found that she simply couldn’t. Inscrutable as a child, inscrutable as a man—Severus Snape had given her love and passion and joy and connection…and now his stubborn determination to remain at Hogwarts only brought her pain and confusion.

When Aurora broke off their relationship all those months ago, she had caused Allegra great pain, but at least she had also given her a concrete reason for separating. But this notion of fulfilling some unspoken obligations and duties with no explanation whatsoever only made Allegra feel betrayed. She was certain it was unfair of her to feel that way, but, as the train pulled out of Hogsmeade station, taking Allegra miles and miles away from him, it was her strongest abiding feeling.

How would she ever recover from him? How could she step so serenely into the her new life, knowing she had left him behind? Yes, it was for her reputation, but as the train neared King’s Cross station, Allegra wondered whether their love could have strengthened her against anything Lucius Malfoy tried to throw at her. Now she would never know.

The only thing Allegra did know at this point was that, for the rest of her living days, she could point to a single, precious moment in her life when her stony heart became enfleshed, miraculously awakened by the fiery, healing, profound touch of the Potions Master.


	17. Epilogue

He learned never to make that mistake again, to lay his heart so bare and raw as he had with her. She had penetrated the very deepest part of himself, that piece of his soul he had striven so much to hide from the world, even at times from himself. She was a walking distraction, her bed a place of danger, her eyes an unwelcome mirror to what he never allowed himself to possess.

Years passed without her. Long, arduous years separated from that lovely danger. He longed for it, dreamt of nothing else, escaped all too often into the realms of fantasy where she now resided, waiting for him finally to run off with him into the misty unknown. But he remained where he was, stolidly, albeit reluctantly, obedient to his greater duties. There would be no one else to take her place, regardless of whom he might have slept with in subsequent years. That he never fully slept with her only increased his ardour for her, dashing his dreams more bitterly as time passed.

Most days, he could switch off his longings as if he were listening to the Wizarding Wireless. Most days he could occupy his mind with lessons, students, colleagues, books, music, plans, plots, missions into darkness, anything at all, not giving her the slightest conscious thought. His life was sufficiently busy to afford him the luxury of shutting out the sirens that whispered to him in his dreams, beckoning him to come away.

Severus Snape remained exactly where he was, dutiful to the bitter end, dutiful even to the point of sacrificing the only other person he truly loved. He wondered at the irony—one sacrifice so unbloody, yet equally excruciating as the more recent, deathly sacrifice which threatened to destroy his heart forever.

In his hiding place, accompanied only by a frightened boy and his own persistent nightmares, Severus found only once source of peace, and even that brought him new agony. A simple eagle quill, elegantly wrapped in green paper and silver ribbon—he couldn’t bear to use the quill for some reason, instead preferring to keep it in its pristine condition, pure, always the same, always new and ready for his waiting hand. He even kept the wrapping paper and ribbon, folded carefully, stored almost ceremoniously at the very bottom of his trunk, safe from prying, unwelcome eyes yet ever present in his mind.

Severus did not look at the quill very often, for it carried within it the burden of memory, of regrettable choices, of partings and wonderings and unfulfilled dreams. Over the years, he tried to throw the quill away, snap it in half and hurl it out of his window for good, but whenever he got around to it, he couldn’t bring himself to do it. Instead, he would scowl bitterly, then carefully place it back in the bottom of his trunk, muttering curses at the same time.

When the Dark Lord rose again, he thought of using the quill to write a letter to Allegra, asking her how she was and whether her detective work might not bring her up towards Hogwarts. He never wrote the letter. He never wrote any letter to her, nor did she to him. A clean break, total, absolute.

Yes, that’s right. A clean break. Very clean indeed. At least for one more day, when again, his heart would pine and ache and again find no succor except in her caress. And that would never be.

So far away, so impossibly distant, so cruelly absent from his days and nights. Severus drew a picture in his mind, she laughing, his hands entangled in her soft hair, the fire crackling, blanketing them in its seductive warmth as they melted into each other, always together, always at the brink of passion, always content just to be in the other’s presence.

Always.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look for Allegra again in "The Sage," part 4 of the Nigel Chaucer series


End file.
